Seeing as this will be my fifth final exam week at this school, and being somewhat of a veteran of obscure campus locations, I figured I would share my wisdom with the freshies and help them through their first barrage of final exams. Here are ten study spots where I guarantee not a single soul will bother you as you desperately cram more formulas onto your cheat sheet for Physics II for Science Students (which I promise you will not use during the exam). You will enjoy nothing but total, absolute isolation in these spots (just what you want, you sicko.)
1) Wean-Doherty patio
This elusive location, visible from that bit of structural connective tissue that joins Wean with Doherty, is a small patio that can be entered exclusively from the third floor of Wean. Don’t let that ID scanner and sign saying “Graduate Students Only” fool you, this door can be easily breached with a stiff credit card, a screwdriver, a lockpick, a three-eighths-inch wrench, some WD-40, a chisel, some dental floss, a butane lighter, a big hammer, an even bigger hammer, and a looney-toons-esque, Inspector Gadget-inspired contraption I made in the Techspark jewelry shop that I named the “boonswaggler” (which I will loan to you if you message me on Telegram). If it rains, your laptop is shot, though.
2) Robert Mehrabian Collaborative Innovation Center
I dare you to point it out on a map. Nobody knows where it is, ergo nobody will be there.
3) Smith Hall La Prima
Much like the hot dog stand in the center of the Pentagon, this is a popular food place for all the top-tier, “in-the-know,” important types. You’ve probably been told there are only two Primas on our campus, Wean and Gates, but the loathsome capitalists who run La Prima (sue me, I dare you) secretly sends the best beans here. But if you appear suspicious, be prepared to be asked by a surly Ph.D. candidate to “name five post-docs.”
4) Your bed
Sure ain’t had any visitors recently as far as I heard.
5) The Robotics Institute, Murray Ave
We have property in Squirrel Hill, did you know that? Over here, you can take a study break and stop by Brueggers Bagels for the most passably okay carbohydrate circle they sell on this side of the Susquehanna.
6) Jameson Hall
Does this place exist? Is this the name of an obscure research facility owned jointly by the university and the U.S. Bureau of Mines between 1961 and 1986? Or did I make it up? Either way, there sure as hell won’t be anybody bothering you here.
7) Column 45
Did you know that if you tell people you’re doing “archival research” for “The Tartan,” they’ll just let you look at detailed structural plans of any building? And that, under the eye of somebody well-versed in static stress analysis, those plans contain information about the most critical load-bearing supports of a building? Well I knew that, and I also know how to get to a pillar that supports the northernmost end of Doherty Hall (labeled Column 45 by Henry Hornbostel’s structural engineer), embedded deep into the hillside, and so critical in precariously holding that structure against the tantalizing pull of gravity. Wouldn’t it be grand to study in a crawlspace, unexplored for over a century, sandwiched between loose gravel and the steel girders that hold up the floors of the D-level, with your laptop propped against Column 45?
8) Ylgethoth the Consumer shall arrive on May 2, 2024
This is not a study spot, but I woke up in a cold sweat last night at around 2 a.m. and found this tattooed onto my ribcage. I don’t know what it means yet.
9) During your childhood
While you may argue that a period of time doesn’t fit the theme of this listicle, I rebut that a location on the temporal axis fits the description of a “spot” just as well as your favorite studying nook in Scaife. And how great would it be to regain your pre-adolescent attention span? Remember those days? When you could just devour chapters of a book at a time? No phone and no laptop clawing at your attention, demanding your brain space even up to the final minutes before you go to sleep? You lived for years before ever receiving a cell phone notification, now you can hardly go half an hour without checking for one. Think how much you could get done if you regained that clarity of mind once more.
10) Fourth floor of Posner Hall
All the way above the Exchange, there’s a really neat little spot with a couple of tables on a semi-transparent glass floor. Absolutely lovely to sit here and study around sunset.
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