Foul Play: I can’t believe [insert Super Bowl winners here] did it!

By Eshaan Joshi

*Author’s note: Unfortunately, due to ongoing negotiations between Eshaan and the Motion Picture Association of America regarding foul language in the sports section, our esteemed Sports co-editor phoned in his article a week early. We encourage Tartan readers to play madlibs with the section this week. Unless you’re a Chiefs fan. Go ahead and just put the paper down then.*

Holy hell, what a game that was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game that hooked me like that. From the opening kickoff, I think we all knew that we were about to watch an ESPN Instant Classic, and man, am I just happy to be here.

First off, the special teams performance? That was [incredible/genuinely awful]. I didn’t realize exactly how much coaching matters, but the fact that the [49ers/Chiefs] got away with what they did is shocking to me. In the year of our Lord 2024, apparently, Special Teams is still Special Teams. Also, what were the refs thinking? It was obvious that [insert player] was definitely fouled during the [ordinal] quarter! Those zebras are completely blind, and it’s obvious the NFL is paying them off to make sure that [big market teams/the Chiefs] are winning it all. I’ve never been more disappointed in the league than last night, and it sucks that it almost ruined what was otherwise an incredible game.

But beyond that, I have to give props to the connection between [Mahomes and Kelce/Purdy and Kittle]. I know there have been incredible QB-Receiver connections in past years — the Stafford/Kupp game a few years back is absolutely a prime example of that, but this year? I cannot believe how good those two were together. Honestly, the production from both teams was excellent with the Chiefs somehow managing to get nearly [number] hundred yards in the air. Pacheco is good, but man, who needs a ground game when Mahomes can just air it out like that. And also, I mean, Purdy didn’t do so bad himself, but it was pretty obvious he’s getting carried hard by how good Deebo and his receiver corps are. Honestly, Purdy might just be a system quarterback after that game [editor’s note, if Pat MacAffee says this, delete it and state the opposite opinion]. But even saying that, the catch by [unknown third string wide receiver] during the fourth quarter that [sealed the game/blew the game wide open/cut the lead to 42] was really something to watch. That ball was a certified dime and I still can’t believe [he was open/he made that catch]. Honestly, give that man the Super Bowl MVP, he did more work than [the rest of the team/WR1 on his team/someone random].

I did want to talk about what was [almost/definitely] a choke job by [with our luck, probably the Niners]. How do you give up [absurd number of points] in the [third/fourth] quarter? What’s even the point of all that [offense/defense] if you’re gonna do that? I’m genuinely unsure how this team plans to operate next year, especially considering the [something bad happening to them].

But honestly, I’m surprised that this is what we got. Niners vs. Chiefs is definitely one of the games nobody really wanted in the Super Bowl — I would’ve preferred Lions vs. Ravens but hey, you can’t always get what you want, I guess. Really, what matters is sports journalism, and as an on-the-ground, honest journalist, I would never phone something in. So keep calm, and I’ll catch you next season. Or during baseball. Or when basketball does something stupid.