By Eshaan Joshi
As someone who’s always in favor of love being in the air, and since a celebration of Valentine’s Day is sometime in the near future, I wanted to bring the readership of The Tartan some joy: the endless lovesickness of totally real people who submitted their tragedies to me, your local matchmaker and sports editor.
Dec. 3, 2023:
To my 122 TA. if I say ur hot can u plz give me an A? Ik ur desperate and im desperate too, let’s make smth happen?
I contacted the submitter to ask if this worked. They refused to comment, saying they had to finish images before the end of the day.
Jan. 13:
To the guy sobbing on the way back to his dorm. I like your shoes, do you want to step—
We had to cut this one off. If you’re the lucky guy who spent his early January sobbing, well, I guess you have a secret admirer on campus. Good luck?
Feb. 1:
Why do people keep posting stuff to the missed connections page? This shit doesn’t work
Go to hell, you soulless, love-hating, piece of garbage.
Dec. 20, 2023:
Is he hot or is it just the airport?
It’s the airport. It’s the airport. It’s the airport. It’s the airport.
Dec. 21, 2023:
Airport guy said he loves me 🙂
Pour one out for the follow-up. I’ll take the under on two days before it falls apart.
Aug 30, 2023:
To the guy with the hair, and the glasses I think who wears shirts and stuff, I think ur pretty (: text me? I want u
Guys, any of you have hair, glasses, and shirts? Oh? All of you? C’mon y’all, be a little more specific when you send me these bad boys. Add some details.
Nov. 13, 2023:
To the incredibly hot person on campus, do you wanna date me??? :3
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? SERIOUSLY. WHO. USE YOUR WORDS. ADD SOME DETAILS.
Sept. 22, 2023:
To the guy in the green hoodie, hex code #00ff00, with the black shoes purchased on the fourth of last october, with the social security number 90430934, do you want to maybe meet :3
Not that specific, Jesus.
Oct. 3, 2023:
To the guy who I follow to class every day, I promise I’m nice 😭😭 stop running away!!! and calling the cops!!! I just wanna watch u sleep!!!!
I have nothing to add to this one.
Those are all the ones we can publish. The rest I can’t sneak into pillbox, no matter how much I beg my editor.
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