By Eshaan Joshi
I love movies. I just can’t watch any because this stupid college keeps making me do homework. Even if I don’t have time to watch them, I can still scrounge up enough seconds to review them.
“Lisa Frankenstein”: Frankenstein goes woke??? This new refreshing take on the movie now replaces old Victor Frankenstein with Lisa, someone who is way cooler — and, based on the poster, better-dressed. Using the power of random electric charge, a very sexy suit, and the strange voodoo of the 1970s, the two travel back in time and decide to convince Mary Shelley to touch grass before she starts this whole debacle.
Official Rating: One body parts out of five looted graves
“The Beekeeper”: Dawg, this is the kinda stuff my divorced neighbor does when he’s particularly sad about his now-ex-wife. I’m completely unsure why or how you expect me to care. Also, he doesn’t look that good when he does it.
Official Rating: One singular bee
“Land of Bad”: Coming from the same director as the hit films “Place of Good,” “Area of Refuge,” “Location of Meh,” and “Roundabouts Kinda Okay,” this movie reminds you not to cross very specific streets in your city if you want to stay safe. However, it has guns, and something vaguely patriotic. Point is, sometimes, there are bad places, and you don’t wanna go there. You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Official Rating: One hackneyed “A Few Good Men” reference out of two
“Out of Darkness”: Sir, have you considered buying a flashlight?
Official Rating: Zero
“Night Swim”: Guys, I watched “Jaws.” Just don’t go near the water during the night.
Official Rating: One “Little Shores of Horror” out of two “Jaws” parodies
“Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom”: Yawn, lemme know if he finds it.
Official Rating: DC, so either 0/10 or 8/10
“The Taste of Things”: Are these movies? Is this a movie? Is this another cooking show? All right, I guess, tune in to watch uhhhhh, hot man and his GHOST wife (yeah, that’s a twist) cook stuff as he tries to remember how food tastes because he burned his tongue in the accident that killed his wife (boom, connections) and then he like, tastes his own food and decides to quit cooking altogether or something.
Official Rating: One Martha Stewart out of three tax evasion charges
It’s six in the morning and Fandango is glitching. Tata for now!
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