Rating CMU academic buildings (again, because I didn’t offend enough people the first time around)

By Christopher Lessler

Mellon Institute:

This building feels like Carnegie Mellon’s dystopian little sibling, which lends a cool atmosphere but is also a bit creepy. The one time I’ve been here, which was to interview someone for The Tartan, I had to convince the guard to let me in, and then I got lost for a good ten minutes somewhere on the fourth floor. If Carnegie Mellon secretly has the key to immortality, it’s definitely stored in Mellon. This building is far from campus, so I’d also like to recognize the pain of students who have to get to this building simply to attend a random non-science lecture that the university totally could have placed in literally any other building. I pray every day for 15 minutes that I will never have a class in Mellon. Despite this building’s coolness, it gives me nightmares — and not of that time I got lost in a creepy environment, but rather from the thought of having to walk the long distance to get here. 2/10.

Cohon University Center:

I generally consider this building’s existence as a good thing because we definitely need a center for student life. But just looking at this building, you wouldn’t say, “Yep, that looks like the center for student life on campus,” because it’s sort of just there. And hopefully you didn’t walk up to it from Forbes, because from there you can see the addition, which is terrible for two reasons: It doesn’t work architecturally with the rest of the building, and it’s a gym. That gym is also always busy. I know that because when I head along Forbes to Scotty’s Market to buy a cookie, I can see straight into the gym windows. The CUC is strategically placed along the Cut, which is great, but it doesn’t leverage its excellent location by having many outdoor areas or views (other than the colonnade) facing the Cut. Such a massive lost opportunity. Other than that, the black chairs are pretty great, the brown chairs are slightly less great but still relatively great, and the rest of the CUC’s chairs are absolutely terrible. Overall, this building is insanely important to campus life but a mixed bag quality-wise. 6/10.

Hamerschlag:

This building has a grand and amazing presence, at least on my Carnegie Mellon ID card. It looks significantly better there than in real life. Hamerschlag doesn’t look terrible in person — it’s just that from most angles right behind it you can see the Cathedral of Learning, which is a significantly cooler building. Notice how on the ID cards, the picture of Hamerschlag is angled so that you can’t see the Cathedral. The inside is somewhat underwhelming, but then again, I’m an underwhelming person, so I can’t complain without being hypocritical. Despite the above, this building has one of the most recognizable statures on campus, which is very much needed considering most other buildings look similar. Overall, Hamerschlag is great but faces stiff competition from a building that’s not even at our school. 7/10.

Newell-Simon:

I have never had a class in this place, but I go here several times a week. For me, it’s just a shortcut and a place to get food. But the shortcut is useful, and the food is good. All the signs and displays around this building are computer-science related, so if the robot apocalypse ever comes, this is one building you won’t find me at. There’s also that robot on the first floor you can apparently chat with? Never tried it, but it’s what gives this building some semblance of a personality. 8/10.

CFA:

This isn’t an academic building, this is a museum — and that’s a good thing. There is art everywhere on the first floor, and half the time there seems to be live music, too. I don’t go here often, but when I do, it’s an experience. I wish I could have classes in a building this great. The first floor has amazing ceiling frescoes showcasing the great buildings of the world — though you may notice some trends in where these buildings are from. The staircases are definitely not up to code but have amazing character. As someone who hates safety, I find this tradeoff a double-win. This building could also use better climate control, but as someone who hates comfort, I also find this a win. Being a Tepper student, I am naturally an expert on this building, so I can confidently say that CFA is perfect and has zero flaws. 10/10.

* Photo by Lily Stern

Orientation Tent:

Ah, the good old days when I didn’t know what was about to hit me. In here I literally got to listen to a guest lecture on how to be a Bad Bitch, but nowadays I’m stuck learning matrices and Microsoft Excel. I’m glad I got to spend so much time here during my orientation week, but at the time, I wanted to get out of that freezing tent. In retrospect, the orientation tent’s cold temperature was nothing compared to Pittsburgh winters. Silly me. I’m glad I will always remember this building because I still see the footprints of the tent embedded in the CFA lawn. 10/10.