By Jimmy Baracia
Art by Sam Bates
We all love a good insult, don’t we? I’m writing this like I ever get into arguments where I would need one to whip out of my back pocket, but I am way too non-confrontational to do that. And what is better than Shakespearean insults? If your answer was anything other than “nothing,” I don’t want to hear it because you know, in your heart, that there is nothing better. Can we bring them back? Please?
Anyways, I’m going to go through some Shakespearean insults and rate them, because why not?
“You poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate!” Henry IV Part II (Act 2, Scene 4)
This one sounds too familiar. Shakespeare, how dare you plagiarize Hermione Granger! “You foul, loathsome, evil, little cockroach” and “You poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate!” are the same. Somebody had to say it. It isn’t original and offers none of the other insults’ uniqueness, 4/10
“You are as a candle, the better burnt out.” Henry IV Part II (Act 1, Scene 2)
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for a good insult (in good fun, obviously) but this seems a little too harsh — you’d be better off dead??? I’m sorry, but this is a Shakespearean way of saying KYS and I just don’t really vibe with it. However, it does say it more eloquently and sounds a lot prettier than KYS, so that counts for something. (Should I even be writing this? I feel like condoning insults in general, especially ones that are so harsh, is not in my best interest…) 6/10.
“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” Richard III (Act 1, Scene 2)
We are starting out strong with this one! There are a million and one ways to say “go to hell,” but none of them have as much class as Shakespeare. There is something so tasteful about the way this rolls off the tongue and still packs a punch. That said, it’s not as creative as some of the others. I wasn’t alive when Shakespeare was (obviously), but I can’t imagine that some iteration of “go to hell” was that rare. I can imagine all the little Elizabethans running around and saying “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” 7/10
“Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.” All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 2, Scene 3)
Now, this is creative. I think you are so offensive that everybody ought to beat the living (sorry, you fill in the blank) out of you!? This is literally perfect. The insult, the execution, the offensiveness, the beauty. Shakespeare, you are a genius and I love you. I know I already asked, but can we please bring back Shakespearean insults? I think they would make our arguments so much more interesting. 10/10
“Villain, I have done thy mother.” Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)
Do I even need to explain this one? No, I’m not going to. 10/10
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.” Coriolanus (Act 2, Scene 1)
I love a unique way to call someone stupid and boring. Not only is it ornate and eloquent, it’s also rude. We’ve all been in those conversations that we really don’t want to be in but cannot find a way out of no matter how hard we try. Politely slinking away doesn’t work, nor does “I have a meeting” because then they’ll walk you to it. Now, you don’t have to worry! Just tell them that any more of their conversation would infect your brain. I have no words for how much I love this line (if only I was Shakespeare, then I would be able to detail my adoration.) 999/10
“Here is the babe, as loathsome as a toad.” Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 3)
Not everyone is a cute baby. If you ever want to tell someone how ugly their baby is, this insult is for you. Next time your uncle’s cousin’s brother’s daughter gives birth to the most hideous baby that you have ever seen, you’ll know what to say. This has everything you could need. It’s rude but it’s got class. 100000000000/10
NOTE: I used the website No Sweat Shakespeare to find the insults.
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