by William Curvan, “Friend of Lagome”
Recently, an anonymous urinator won the competition taking place in the Wean 4 men’s bathroom. The competition has been running for years, but only recently was an undisputed winner declared.
Lagome Woods, local guide, explained that for the last several years there has “been an unspoken, yet widely understood rule that you must not piss inside the urinals on Wean 4.” The urinal, whose dark blue dividers are stained gray by years of accumulated sprayback, is one of the most high-traffic campus bathrooms due to its proximity to Sorrells Library. Every man who walks into that bathroom understands one thing: If you pee on the floor the most, you win.
At 4:27 p.m. on Tuesday, March 27, Lagome says that he went into the bathroom to record the urine accumulation after the “afternoon rush.” However, upon viewing what had taken place, he dropped his measuring implements and stood, mouth agape. “I don’t even know how to describe it,” he said. “I’ve been studying the ability to piss on the floor for years and have never encountered such enormous natural talent.”
The individual responsible, though their identity is unknown, is the “undisputed champion” according to Lagome. “I am beyond certain that nobody will ever top these results.”
Now that a champion has been declared, people may stop peeing on the floor there.
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