The Tartan

by Sam Bates “War Correspondent”

This month in Baker Hall, revolutionary fervor reached a breaking point as dozens of humanities students announced their allegiance to the proclaimed “Dietrich Revolution.” It all began in February, when a group of radical history majors hatched a plan.

Second-year history majors Alain Dassin, Jacques Dalibert, and Leopold le Suedois are some of the leaders of the revolution and spoke with The Natrat about their experiences kicking off the movement. “We three are students in this semester’s course Revolutions and Rebellions: 1700–1950,” Dassin told The Tartan. “Our professor, Janet Clowes, assigned us a mid-term paper, but we wanted a more hands-on experience,” Dassin went on. “We got together and asked if we could start our own revolution instead as an alternative assignment. Professor Clowes told us we could, but only if we used authentic means of revolution from the time period we are currently in, which is the 1830s.” 

The three passionate young students got to work immediately and commissioned some friends in the College of Fine Arts to design authentic rally posters via hand-carved woodblocks, which they hung around campus. By March 1, the movement had bolstered its numbers to 33 revolutionaries. Armed with fake musket props and costumes from an old production of “Les Miserables” (all stolen from Purnell), the band of impassioned students were ready to make their first official move. 

On Friday, March 8, Dassin, Dalibert, and le Suedois marched their followers up the slant of Baker Hall amidst a cacophony of poorly played bagpipes, fifes, and drums. Chanting their maxim (“By Bill Dietrich’s nose we fight! / Our enemies we shall smite!”), the cabal attracted quite some attention from those in the surrounding classrooms. They stopped in front of Baker, where Dassin climbed atop a bench to give a roaring speech to his crowd of cavaliers. 

“Long have we waited for our day of triumph! Here it springs! With these words, we declare Dietrich College an independent entity from Carnegie Mellon!” Dassin cried out. 

Neither Carnegie Mellon nor the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences recognized this declaration. 

The crowd cheered, whooped, and pretended to fire their muskets in the air as Dassin waved the newly homemade Dietrich flag. But not all were as celebratory and filled with joy as the Dietrichites. Not far off, about 15 members of the famed patriot group known as the Carnegie Mellon Nationalist Club (CMNC) were hanging around the Fence, holding their own monthly flag-waving. 

The CMNC witnessed the event in front of Baker and, after the order was given by CMNC president Jerry Evans, immediately rushed to the scene in a state of fury. 

Hearing the enemy shouts of “charge” and “onwards,” Grand Marshal le Suedois rapidly ordered the revolutionaries to enter formations. 

The Dietrichite musketmen formed ranks and threw small smoke bombs in front of them to make it look like their prop muskets were firing. The CMNC, however, were not discouraged, and broke through the defensive line. A great turmoil broke out, with bouts and rows exchanged all around. 

The battle was won when the outnumbered CMNC were forced to retreat back to their preferred building, Doherty Hall. It was a terrific success to the morale of the Dietrich Revolution. 

The following week, the Dietrichite spirit only grew after the glory of their Independence Day. A national anthem was written and regular parades were held throughout Baker and Porter (after school hours — by request of Carnegie Mellon). The revolutionaries began teaching a StuCo on the history of their school and plotting their next steps. 

Dassin, now crowned as the first King of Dietrich, decided upon a bold and radical next move. His idea would prove to either be the solidification of the movement or its doom. 

On the gloomy night of March 16, the leaders of the independence movement met and listened to King Dassin’s plan. Dassin proposed that the only way to secure true Dietrich power was to go on the offensive. 

First, the Dietrichites would launch a surprise attack and invade Hunt Library to expand their territory, and then seize the CFA building to take control of the whole CFA Lawn. It was a bold strategy, but the Dietrichites had faith in their leader. 

On the morning of March 23, before the morning mist had cleared, the residents of the nearby buildings were jolted awake by the sounds of raucous rebellion coming from Hunt Library. As the doors to Hunt were opened, in marched the 33 Dietrichite forces, proclaiming the library as an official territory of the independent Dietrich College. 

The revolutionaries celebrated their swift takeover of their first target with plenty of De Fer coffee and pastries from the newly acquired Maggie Murph Cafe, but once more not all was as perfect as it seemed. 

Unbeknownst to the festivous rebels, the wily and cunning CMNC had known their plans after President Evans planted a spy in Porter Hall, and the patriots had been waiting behind the hedges in front of Hunt to ambush the Dietrichites. 

Completely caught off guard, the Dietrichites panicked and fled to the upper levels of Hunt. The CMNC, now dressed in borrowed Kiltie Band uniforms and carrying their own borrowed prop muskets numbered 54 enlistees, outnumbering the Dietrichites. 

Slowly but surely the CMNC managed to take each floor and capture any enemies they found, until the remaining 12 rebels held out for one last stand on the fourth floor. 

King Dassin gave a final speech to his troops, saying: “They may take our freedom, but they’ll never take our freedom! Give ’em all you’ve got!” 

From behind one last great barricade consisting of books, tables, and that old refrigerator on the fourth floor, the Dietrichites opened fire as the CMNC ranks rushed in the stairwell doors. Many great soldiers fell (mostly from tripping on the books scattered on the floor) until King Dassin was all that was left uncaptured. Being a fairly dramatic person, he climbed atop the barricade and boldly waved the Dietrich flag, being careful not to bump the ceiling, before being tackled by a CMNC bagpiper. 

The Dietrichites officially surrendered on the CFA Lawn to the CMNC, who decided they ought to represent Carnegie Mellon since they were the only ones to formally recognize the Dietrich Revolution, at 10:45 a.m. King Dassin handed over the Dietrich flag to CMNC president Evans, and the kilt-clad patriots collected the muskets of the 1830s-dressed revolutionaries. One onlooker said to The Natrat regarding the situation: “What?”

In a final statement, former King Dassin told his crestfallen supporters that “the Carnegie Mellon history books and Wikipedia page will never forget our heroic struggle and this time of great prosperity for the Dietrich school. Generations to come will talk of the rivalry between myself and Jerry Evans in the same breath as Napoleon and Wellington. They will discuss the Battle of Hunt Library in the same light as the Battle of Waterloo. Long live Dietrich!” All musket props and costumes were then returned to the School of Drama. Alain Dassin, Jacques Dalibert, and Leopold le Suedois each received a B+ on their assignment.