“I DON’T GIVE A PISS ABOUT NOTHIN’ BUT THE TIDE “
— Bandwagon Alabama fans confused about what sport we’re talking about
So by the time this article is published, the entire Elite Eight will have played out, and we’ll know who our Final Four teams are. We do, right now, know two of them.
Firstly, the University of Connecticut, reigning national champions and one of, if not the best, team in the country, has made it to the Final Four after steamrolling every single one of their opponents. This is the most dominant squad I’ve seen in my life, and they’re poised to make an incredible back to back championship win, cementing them as the greatest program in college basketball right now. I don’t know who can stop them, or if it’s even possible, and I personally welcome our new Husky overlords. Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good boy?
On the other hand, the second of our Final Four teams is the University of Alabama. A small school in the South that has never won anything of note and honestly just underperforms in general, 18-time college football national champion the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, made it to their first Final Four in program history after putting away a runaway Clemson team. The team, which boasts one of the worst scoring defenses in the entirety of NCAA DI basketball, has somehow run away with the tournament, clinching close wins over some of the best teams in the country, including No. 1 seed UNC in a two-point game a few days ago. This is another incredible performance from Alabama coach Nate Oats, who took this team to a No. 1 seed and a Sweet Sixteen performance last year, and is now following it by putting ‘Bama on the same level as Auburn in terms of postseason success.
Now, not to seem too high on Alabama, that team is currently getting carried by the no. 104 scoring defense in the country. That’s. Bad. That’s really bad, that’s “this team shoulda got bounced in the second round” bad. The fact they’ve made it here is a testament to the offense this team has managed to put on display, and the incredible 3-point play coming from Sears and Griffen in the last two games.
Regardless, that team is running into the buzz-saw that is the University of Connecticut, so Auburn fans can rest easy that there’s no way in hell this Alabama team wins a chip. Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.
Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the spectrum, the rest of the Final Four will be decided between Purdue and Tennessee, and NC State and Duke. The All-Carolina classic is currently boasting one of the best teams in the country, No. 4 Duke, and a NC State team that shouldn’t have been good enough to even make it to the NIT. NC State put together an insane run in the ACC Tournament, rattling off five straight, and then jumped into the Big Dance and won three more to make it here. They’re white hot, the Cindarella of this tournament, and they’ve made it the farthest a NC State team has made it since they won the whole damn thing in the 80s. If you’re not rooting for NC State, you’re a bad person and should feel bad, and I hope you stub your toe. Twice. Meanwhile, Duke is the reincarnation of Satan himself and if the Blue Devils win on Easter Sunday, we will truly know God is dead. Root for Jesus — root against Duke.
Besides that, we’ve just really got Purdue-Tennessee left. I don’t care about that game. Purdue is good I guess. So is Tennessee. I don’t particularly care for orange. Any shade really. Take that how you will.
We’re wrapping up March Madness, and it’s a little sad. I love the wall-to-wall basketball coverage, the storylines, the stupidity, the accountants and random white boys from some place where they feed ‘em corn somehow beating NBA lottery picks on stacked teams.
I guess I’m sad to see it go. See y’all next week!
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