by Matthew Pedicone “Resident Natrat Sexpert”
New data, released by F-dawg Jahanian himself, suggests that a vast majority (96 percent) of students have never participated in freaky time of any sort. Even more striking, a resounding 100 percent of current undergraduates answered “no” to the prompt, “Do you know what sex is?” This leaves an unsettling 4 percent of the university’s population making love without knowing what the hippity-dippity is even about.
There are now calls for a general sex education curriculum with plans already in the works. One proposal includes expanding Computing at Carnegie Mellon (C@CMU) to Computing and Undergraduate Mating at CMU (CUM@CMU). The College of Engineering is considering allowing copulation to fulfill the experiential learning requirement. The financial office has faced backlash for raising tuition a further 6.9 percent and reportedly “cutting all financial aid to virgins.”
The Natrat crew went to the Cut on Friday and interviewed members of the Carnegie Mellon populace who gave the following testimonials:
“But what is sex though? I thought that shit was illegal?”
“Personally, the stress of this place has ridden me with perma-flaccidness. Now I couldn’t have sex even if I knew what it was.”
“My girlfriend goes to a different school, you wouldn’t know her I promise. I’m being for real guys, it’s not funny.”
For updates on this developing situation, tune in next week for “A Gamer’s Guide: Female Anatomy.”
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