In this new era of minimalism, marketing, and acronyms, it’s become more and more important that various Carnegie Mellon institutions find ways to better portray themselves to the public. College enrollment is dropping year after year. With new department names, a couple cans of spray paint, and some elbow grease, we can make sure Carnegie Mellon continues to over-enroll students.
Modern Languages Department of Languages, Cultures & Applied Linguistics: “The Carnegie Department for people who don’t language good and want to learn how to do other languages good too”
I mean, if we’re gonna make it a mouthful, we might as well make it a mouthful that can be read at a fourth grade level. Also, DLCAL is a terrible acronym, while, TCDFPWDLGAWTLHTDOLGT just rolls off the tongue. Moreover, unlike the rigid and inflexible listing of the department’s goals, TCDFPWDLGAWTLHTDOLGT gives students the hope that they can learn many things hitherto unenumerated, an incredible draw to the regular undecided collegiate enjoyer.
The Undergraduate Economics Program: “The School for Astrology and Pseudoscience”
Considering that most of economics involves staring very intently at little lists of numbers and making bold predictions that don’t ever really pan out, I think lumping them together with astrology, psychic readings, and vibe checking would make the entire field a lot more welcoming to students. With the generally low hit rate of most economic predictions, I think they stand to gain quite a bit from talking to psychics.
Department of Philosophy: “The Statistically-40-percent-of-our-graduates-go-into-CS Department”
Look, just tell ‘em what they’re here for. It’s not like anyone actually likes philosophy.
Department of Statistics and Data Science: “Carnegie Mellon School of Computer Science Rejects”
Name one Stat/ML who isn’t just a CS major cosplaying as a humanities major. You can’t. They don’t exist. By being more forthcoming, we can attract more students who don’t think they can get into SCS but want to do 80 percent of the work for 50 percent of the post-graduation pay.
Carnegie Mellon Institute for Strategy and Technology: No change.
This one’s actually pretty good. If I didn’t know they renamed the Institute for Politics and Strategy to this, I’d almost respect it.
Department of Mechanical Engineering: “The Lockheed Martin Recruiting School”
Hey, look, there’s good money to be made makin’ bombs. Might as well sell it to our students.
Robotics Institute: “Carnegie Institute of Free Labor for Research Projects”
As a proud supporter of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I think we should let undergrads know what they’re signing up for.
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