By Jaden Singh and Sam Bates
(Spoilers ahead.)
Below lies the post-viewing conversation of two changed men. These young staffwriters endured a trek few would be brave enough to undertake to see a film like most others. In other words, it was alright.
SAM: Well, Jaden. It’s official. We are amongst the 0.3 percent of people who can say we have actually seen “Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire.” How do you feel?
JADEN: Floored.
SAM: Agreed, in that I am feeling about as much emotion as a linoleum floor.
JADEN: This is a very difficult question but we have to get it out of the way first. How many character names do you remember? Please say the ones you do, because I am all out.
SAM: Easy. Kong, Godzilla, Orange Monkey-Baby, Evil Skinny Monkey, Frozone Godzilla, and, of course, the legendary dentist known only as Trapper.
JADEN: I was deeply impressed by the character arc they wrote for Orange Monkey-Baby. I didn’t think the writers could write character arcs, but Orange Monkey-Baby proved me wrong.
SAM: Indeed. As luck would have it, I’m pretty sure Orange Monkey-Baby was the only one to have an actual character arc.
JADEN: Wait! I forgot about Mothra. Mothra was deep.
SAM: It is important for us to note to our dedicated readers that the only showing we were able to see of this cinematic minor-piece was in both 3D and IMAX. I don’t believe I have seen a 3D movie since 2013, but this was quite a way to rediscover the format. I was most impressed by the visual effects of the AMC countdown to the movie actually beginning, but I suppose the rest of it was alright too.
JADEN: My heart rate jumped during the AMC countdown and then settled into a consistent resting phase for the next two hours.
SAM: A two hour resting phase is actually quite an apt description of “Godzilla x Kong.”
JADEN: I do want to credit the acting of the researcher’s daughter. I think after holding one expression of mild concernedness for that long my face would ache too much.
SAM: I held that expression for the whole movie and I can confirm that my head definitely does ache now.
JADEN: It was pretty stunning when she did that one magic thing to wake up Mothra and then looked back at the crowd with the exact same expression she did when she failed her test in the opening act. That is dedication and craft.
SAM: Do you think this was worth the hour of trudging through frigid sleet and getting on the wrong bus to see?
JADEN: Absolutely. The trip was more interesting and degrees more unpredictable than the movie itself. There was that one potential bus rider who strongly asserted against clear visual evidence that no bus seats were open.
SAM: And who could forget the touching reunion of two 50-year olds with equal troubles regarding their partners leaving them for Puerto Rico!
JADEN: I do want to highlight some of the movie’s positives. It made extremely thorough use of every spectrum of the color wheel.
SAM: That’s true. There were Godzilla’s scales, which randomly went from blue to pink and back again. And there was the aforementioned Orange Monkey-Baby!
JADEN: Also, Orange Monkey-Baby and Kong both had considerable personality given their inability to talk. They, more than the totally unmemorable humans, were fairly sympathetic. Godzilla, outside of the typical roaring at the sky stuff, didn’t have much personality at all besides favoring the Colosseum as a napping spot. I did love those scenes.
SAM: Jaden, on that note I believe we can officially declare “Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire” as a movie with some occasional personality and also some colors. Doesn’t get much better than that.
JADEN: Right you are, old chum. Right you are.
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