Movie Horoscopes (but I may or may not be a male manipulator)

By Haley Williams

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18):

“Harold and Maude” (1971) – Aquarians are very personal, but perchance enamored by the humanity of it all… “Harold and Maude” is perfectly quirky and loveable, and will appeal to Aquarius’ individuality.

Pisces (February 19 — March 20):

“The Great Gatsby” (2013) – Pisces are intuitive and compassionate escapists. The grandeur of Gatsby’s parties thrown just for one person is perfect for them.

Aries (March 21 — April 19):

“Whiplash” (2014) – Aries have no filter and a mean temper, plus they get bored easily. I think they’ll find a relatable character in Fletcher, and the horrific stress of this movie will keep them on the edge of their seats.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20):

“Fantastic Mr. Fox” (2009) – Tauruses (Tauri?) are homebodies who like familiarity and coziness. I think the fall vibes and storybook feel will be perfect.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20):

“Fight Club” (1999) – Geminis are famously two-faced. Need I say more?

Cancer (June 21 — July 22):

“10 Things I Hate About You” (1999) – Cancers are sensitive people pleasers. I think it could be helpful for them to take a few notes from Kat and Patrick, while also getting the benefit of getting to watch one of the best rom-coms of all time.

Leo (July 23 — August 22):

“Ford v. Ferrari” (2019) – Leos are creative with a really big personality, but a big ego to go along with it. They’ll enjoy Ken Miles’ cockiness and Carroll Shelby’s cool confidence. Also fast cars go zoom yippee!

Virgo (August 23 — September 22):

“Murder on the Orient Express” (1974) – I was so close to putting the 2017 version but I chose to have mercy. Virgos are fixers — plus Agatha Christie was a Virgo. I rest my case.

Libra (September 23 — October 22):

“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” (1975) – Libras are artistic and charming, but maybe a little manipulative. Have fun with the wacky aesthetics and insane plot.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21):

“Léon: The Professional” (1994) – Scorpios are ambitious and loyal, perhaps to the point of obsession. This just felt right.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21):

“The Fall Guy (2023)” – Sagittariuses are optimistic, adventurous, and humorous, just like my main man Colt Seavers. The light tone and quick pace will keep flaky Sagittarians locked in until the very end.