The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi

A completely unbiased ranking of every single Tony. Ever.

1. Tony Hawk: This one is pretty easy to choose. No other Tony has done so much for the youths of America than Tony “The Tone” Hawk, who spent most of his life devising new and interesting ways for your third grade classmate to injure himself trying to do an ollie.
2. Tony Soprano: While other Tonys, such as Tony Alto, Tony Tenor, and the lesser known but no less talented Tony Bass were also in contention for this spot, it became very clear that there was only one man capable of doing what’s necessary to be the No. 2 Tony in the world. 
3. Fat Tony: He lost some weight recently, but Moderately-Sized Tony just doesn’t have the same ring to it. He’s on a new keto diet now, so expect Bony Tony to make an appearance in “The Simpsons” soon.
4. Tony Evers: Not the governor of Wisconsin, because we don’t do politics here at pillbox, but the man, the one and only, the guy who trained Rocky Balboa. For those of you who haven’t seen “Rocky,” it did get a little boring seeing the same guy do the same thing over and over again, so I guess they made Evers a bigger deal to break up the mono-Tony.
5. Tony Stark: The one-line dropping, money-making, war-crimer extraordinaire, Tony Stark has captured the hearts and minds of Americans for as long as we can remember, and he’s coming back in a new, doctored up form to bring doom to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Or something. Who knows. He’s famous, though.
6. Glut-Tony: One of the lesser-known deadly sins, Gluttony is definitely the sort that only really matters if you’re really, really looking for a reason to keep someone out of heaven. St. Peter’s legal team really appreciates gluttons, because, man, they make bank on those billable hours.
7. Tony-a Harding: A legendary skater and an all around top-ten Tony, Tonya Harding was in the news for most of her life, for reasons that you could only discover by buying a cheap glossy magazine from the grocery store that specializes in gossip.
8. Toby Maguire: Look, b and n are close on the keyboard, so maybe someone just, like, slipped up, and the guy’s real name is Tony. I’m taking that chance, you should too. He’s done at least one good movie and was also in those Spiderman flicks, so like, he’s gotta be on the same level as some other famous actors.
9. Tom Cruise: I never passed the fourth grade. That looks close enough to a Tony.
10. The Tony Awards: I guess I have to say these are pretty important? At least one person I know cares about them, but like, as you can see, there are plenty of cooler, hotter, more exciting Tonys out there than a stupid award.