The Tartan

By Zachary Gelman

As a bum with no career prospects, I spent this summer up in Maine as a counselor at a camp that I cannot name for contractual reasons. Instead of getting a real job, I wasted one more year, or “demonstrated my value by leading a group in summer activities and accomplished goals,” as my resume would put it. For two and a half months, I labored in the wilderness, adequately working in a field famously comprised primarily of teenagers. (However, this camp doesn’t hire children. This isn’t Charles Dickens’ “The Muppet Christmas Carol.”) 

I chillaxed, I vibed, I schmoozed, I hung out, hell, I even fulfilled my contract for a while, but there was always a question looming in my mind. “How will I get my campers to watch Disney’s ‘The Muppets’ (2011) while I’m on the clock?” I would lay under my threadbare sheets and above my thread-erbare mattress pondering into the wee hours of 10 p.m., even 11 p.m., as my perfect wards slept soundly and not-so-soundly alike in our borderline log cabin.

Of course, the opportunity eventually presented itself, or I never would have written this article. I don’t know why I wanted to do it though, as I’m not even a fan of “The Muppets” (2011). I find the name needlessly confusing, and a little bit cowardly. They should have kept with their original plan of calling it “The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time!!!” or “M7” or “The Fast and the Furious” or something. Despite the name, “The Muppets” was a pretty big success, grossing 4.18 trillion muppet dollars (as of the current conversion rate) and beating “Rio” (the talking bird movie) and only “Rio” (the movie where the lame guy blue bird falls in love with the free-spirited Brazilian bird) for Best Original Song (they only nominated two movies for some reason).

This apparently counted as Muppet-mania for Disney, and spurred on a limping second life for the franchise with a second movie less people watched, an identically titled one-season TV show, “Muppet Babies” on Disney Junior, and an improv TV show called “Muppets Now.” The tragedy of “The Muppet Movie” is that we are meant to believe that, despite Kermit and friends’ disappearance from the limelight, people would still welcome them all back the second they put on a Muppet Show. However, this didn’t come to pass. Maybe Disney just screwed it all up. Maybe the Muppets are more like Yogi Bear and less like Jesus, and people just like the concept more than the resurrection.

As for the movie itself, I liked when Kermit did his scrunched up face, and some of the songs were great (though too jukebox-musical-theater-kiddy to match the heights of the Jim Henson era). As a side note, don’t forget that Disney killed Jim Henson. My kids found the central conceit of a human and a Muppet being biological brothers incredibly hilarious and appreciated Kermit’s “nonchalant rizz” with Miss Piggy. I thought that there were not enough of the Muppets, and also not enough of Jason Segel, though perhaps too much of Walter, the fake Muppet whose human form is played by the actor known to my campers as “Old Young Sheldon.”

In a scene that perfectly represents the movie, we watch Kermit give a rousing speech about the importance of trying, and how he believes in every Muppet. It’s a classic Kermit moment; some might even find it emotional. Then the Muppets all dejectedly leave the theater they were performing in, and are surprised by a huge crowd of adoring fans! The music swells, the camera soars, and we see a giant billboard advertising “Cars 2” (also 2011) nearly fill the screen for five seconds.

So if you want to watch Democratic campaign strategist James Carville, Mickey Rooney in his least Asian role, pre-lupus Selena Gomez, the kid from “Modern Family,” and a bunch of other celebrities there to make you realize, “Wow, 2011 really was a long time ago,” watch this movie. If you want to watch a better Jason Segel movie, watch “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” — just not with children in the room.