Album Horoscopes

By Owen Noble and Aimee Wang

Aries: “Bando Stone and the New World” by Childish Gambino

You’re about to go out with a bang. The end is near, but it shall be glorious. Take this week to have fun, go crazy, and do drugs — The Tartan in no way condones the use of drugs — just try to make some peace with your own mortality when you have free time.

Taurus: “Chet Baker Sings” by Chet Baker

One of your lesser-known talents will become a stand out this week, setting you apart from the competition. For Chet, it’s his silky-smooth tenor. For you, who knows? If you’re applying for an internship, maybe upload a video of yourself burping the alphabet instead of a cover letter. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already been rejected from everywhere else.

Gemini: “Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum” by Tally Hall

Your sanity may be called into question this week, but you’ll be a TON of fun to be around.

Cancer: “Happier Than Ever” by Billie Eilish

If you think midterm season was bad, trust me when I tell you that you will NOT be happier than ever with the trainwreck of an existential crisis that will hit you this week. Hide your dream career and hide your friends because you will be questioning all of it, wondering if you’re just “getting older.”

Leo: “Sunburn” by Dominic Fike

You’re slipping away, and your friends don’t seem to understand your current situation. Hold tightly to reality and stop wondering what could have been. And most importantly, stop chasing people!

Virgo: “Cry” by Cigarettes After Sex

Are you ready to yearn earnestly? This week, you will experience the pining that has only ever been seen in Jane Austen’s movies and within Bridgerton one-liners. When you inevitably make eye contact with your crush, you’ll be thinking, “It’s so sweet…”

Libra: “Newsies Original Broadway Cast Recording”

This week you may feel an intense desire to unionize, speak in a very poor facsimile of a New York City accent, and come to The Tartan’s weekly meeting Monday at 5 p.m. in CUC 314.

Scorpio: “Barry White & Candlelight” by Barry White

For most students at Carnegie Mellon this may come as a shock, but in the next week you will become sexually active. I’m sorry, we don’t make the rules, the stars do.

Sagittarius: “I Love You” by The Neighborhood

You know that notification that makes your heartbeat quicken when your phone lights up at night? If you thought of someone when you read that, be cautious. Take things slow, or else you’ll be wondering W.D.Y.W.F.M?

Capricorn: “Loveseat” by Still Woozy

This week you’ll most likely fully dissociate. Midterm grades will seem like a bad dream you’ll soon wake up from; life will be a blend of doom-scrolling in your dorm and wandering the sub-basements by yourself at 2 a.m. Lean into it, maybe if you’re lonely in an aesthetic and sexy way it’ll feel better.

Aquarius: “Eternal Sunshine” by Ariana Grande

Don’t let other people step all over you this week. Make a change, and be an advocate for yourself for once! When you look at the people around you, knowing that they’re just here to steal your shine, know in your heart that “we can’t be friends.”

Pisces: “Submarine” by The Marias

It’s sweater weather, and things are getting cozy. Don’t forget to unpack your fall wardrobe, and take a walk through Schenley! You might find something special there, something “no one noticed.”