Well, it’s morning again in America. The bad guys are gone. The country is healing. The left and the right have come together once more because it’s COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON BABY AND, MAN OH MAN, I LOVE THIS SPORT.
Okay, so, let’s talk about the last couple weeks, huh. Let’s just talk about ’em.
First, let’s talk about the good teams.
We don’t know who they are. And if we have guesses, they’re not the teams that traditionally do well. Currently, the undefeateds include Oregon and Penn State, understandably. Two gold-standard Big 10 teams are doing Big 10 things — color me surprised. Miami is doing well too, following whatever dark magic (read: bribes) Mario Cristobal pumped into South Florida to convince a bunch of kids to go play for the ACC punching bag.
And then we’ve got 7–0 Iowa State. Now, they’re on bye this week, but Iowa State should not be undefeated in October. That’s just not the way the world works. If this carries on, the entire world is liable to go mad.
And then the Stormin’ Mormons show up on the poll with another undefeated team, convincingly beating every team they’ve played. BYU is undefeated, and BYU is good. With Wittingham’s Utah looking mortal for the first time after back-to-back PAC12 championships only a couple years ago and a string of eight-plus win seasons, it seems like the state of Utah is in for a very, very ugly Holy War game this weekend.
A couple spots down, though, they goofed up. Indiana is ranked in football. This is a pretty common mistake, actually, because everyone knows Indiana is a basketball school who doesn’t know if the forward pass has been legalized yet. So, if I just skip by that one—
What.
Indiana is undefeated.
In football?
In 2024?
In American Football? In the United States? Of North America?
Oh, dear Lord, the Mayans were wrong, the end times are now. There’s nothing we can do — sell your possessions and live off the land because trust me, when they ask, “Hoosier daddy,” the only thing you can answer is Indiana University.
Indiana is ranked over Alabama. In football. The team known for being the losing-est team in football, one of two teams with more than 700 losses, a hundred year old team with nearly two hundred more losses than wins, is ranked above the joyless murderball team that terrorized football for the better part of the last two decades.
Oh, by the way, Alabama lost to Tennessee again, which, honestly, is really bringing the rivalry back to it’s pre-Saban days, and something which I’m sure the Volunteer State is having a good time with, but it’s not important because what’s way MORE important is that UNRANKED VANDERBILT BEAT #1 ALABAMA IN FOOTBALL.
VANDERBILT???
I can’t believe I’m rooting for spoiled rich prep kids but man I am rooting for spoiled rich prep kids because those are MY spoiled rich prep kids. ANCHOR THE HELL DOWN AND GO ’DORES because nothing is bringing me more joy than a dominant Vandy season.
Somehow, it gets worse. Pittsburgh, those rat bastards, are 6–0 for the first time since 1982, and based on my cursory search of “worst thing to happen in 1982” on google dot com, I’ve discovered that the last time Pitt was good we had a recession.
Stay safe kids. A good Pittsburgh is bad for your wallet.
There’s more. Navy was ranked last week, at 6-0, before dropping their first game to Notre Dame. While we all know that the Fighting Irish hate the troops, this game doesn’t kill Navy’s hope for the G5 playoff spot — a good run through what’s left of the AAC, a championship win, and a thrashing of Army, and Navy might have a playoff game in its future.
Draw your own conclusions.
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