Aries: March 21–April 19
Congratulations! Your professor sent you a like on Hinge! Send them a like back! Maybe this is your key to maintaining that pesky GPA… networking has never been so scandalous! Date your professor! Do it! This message is endorsed by The Tartan.
Taurus: April 20–May 20
It’s not entirely clear whether you matched with a man or a dog. Not because this man is particularly hairy, but because the best photos on the profile are of the dog and the photos of the owner look like they were taken by said dog. If they are training cats to use toilets, who says dogs aren’t smart enough to use Hinge? Who knows! Maybe this dog will have more emotional intelligence than your last partner!
Gemini: May 21–June 21
Wow! This guy has so many women in his photos! If you go on a date with him, it’s unclear whether or not you need to expect them to show up as well. The more the merrier! These new gal pals of yours will not at all pose a threat to your relationship! Come on! They are like sisters to him! He promises!
Cancer: June 22–July 22
This is Tiffany. She seems normal enough… oh wait… no… she is obsessed with the Muppets. She has so many opinions on the ABC Muppets show being canceled after its first season and you will hear all about it on your first date where you watch “The Muppet Movie” (1979).
Leo: July 23–August 22
Oh boy! You just received a rose from none other than your classmate! He has never spoken a word to you before. Oh wait! There was the one time he asked you for notes from the class he missed. Other than that… have fun seeing him in lecture on Tuesday! All you can do is pray that you are never assigned to a group project with him.
Virgo: August 23–September 22
Amanda loves pomegranates and that is it! It will be so impossible for you to mess this relationship up. Literally just go to Giant Eagle and buy her pomegranates. That is all you need to do. She will be so busy eating pomegranates you might even have time for a second girlfriend! #winning
Libra: September 23–October 22
Guess who? It’s Farnam! When Farnam isn’t busy with dedication ceremonies and tuna melts, he enjoys long romantic walks on the beach and quality time with family and friends. He’s just the type of man you would want to bring home to your parents. Enjoy the sweet life with your new presidential beau!
Scorpio: October 23–November 21
Wait… ummm… maybe you matched with that one? The one on the left? It’s hard to tell who you just matched with! Every single one of his photos is taken from the basement of a frat with his brothers! The same ones in each photo — don’t get any ideas about even trying to figure it out!
Sagittarius: November 22–December 2:
Uh oh! Meet Harold! He loves “The Office.” It is his favorite TV show! Feel free to block him.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
This guy owns a boat! Is he funny? He owns a boat! Is he nice to his mother? He owns a boat! Will he gaslight you? He owns a boat! Congratulations!
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Uh oh! It’s your RA from last year! How special! On your first date you can reminisce on that time he had to call amnesty on your roommate at your dorm party! If you had been expelled from Carnegie Mellon, at least you wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe on your date he can give you a meal block! A win is a win.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Austin is a proud member of Greek life! How do you feel about that? Oh, what’s that noise coming from the basement? Doesn’t matter! Date nights will be staffed by new pledges! They like it, even!
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