Here in pillbox, we love so many things. Horoscopes. Movies. Muppets. And we love taking our 2 a.m. “You still up?” discussions from prattling to print. Enjoy our massive crossover episode of discussing actors destined to be the one human in a Muppet movie. Varying degrees of explanation to follow.
Aries: March 21–April 19
Ella Purnell. She looks like a person who could be very easily transformed into a Muppet. A fever dream sequence where she hallucinates herself as one could earn an Oscar nod.
Taurus: April 20–May 20
Robert Pattinson. He is loved here in pillbox in a way few people will ever understand. Few can be him. Office siren of a Muppets workplace dramedy. Jack Schlossberg-based, if you will.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
Aubrey Plaza. Remake of “Muppets Most Wanted” but Plaza is Constantin.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
Neil Patrick Harris. Watch “A Series of Unfortunate Events” on Netflix to understand, or the performance of Aerosmith’s “Dream On” from “Glee.” He and Gonzo have impressive rapport.
Leo: July 23–August 22
Patti LuPone. Sometimes the only human in a Muppet movie is the hero. Sometimes they’re the villain. She is somehow both. Also, a loud, belt-y duet with Ms. Piggy and LuPone vying for the same role would change lives.
Virgo: August 23–September 22
Meryl Streep. It feels odd that this is not a role she’s taken yet. She and Ms. Piggy are canonically friends already — why not make it official?
Libra: September 23–October 22
Rachel Zegler. She wants it. Give it to her! Benevolent perfect princess.
Scorpio: October 23–November 21
Russell Crowe. But specifically as Javert in Les Miserables. Everything remains the same.
Sagittarius: November 22–December 2:
Jeff Goldblum.
Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Jeremy Strong. He’s their disgruntled landlord with a secret inner life discovered at the climax of the film, and it’s somehow his most powerful performance.
Aquarius: January 20–February 18
Dakota Johnson. And you know the best thing about this movie? It hasn’t happened yet.
Pisces: February 19–March 20
Ke Huy Quan. Look at his face and tell me he is not a very manly Muppet. Look at his face and tell me he does not yearn to speak to Kermit. Plus, it would probably make everyone cry.
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