WHOOOO LETS GO I LOVE AMERICA I LOVE FOOTBALL CAW CAW LETS GOOOOOOOOO
Ahem.
Without further ado, this week in college football:
Can’t State
Kent State is really bad at the game of football. They’ve played a lot of P4 football this year, getting a thorough whooping from Pitt, Tennessee (Jesus, Mary, and the twelve baby saints, 71 is a lot of points), and Penn State, but they’ve also been a disappointing team outside of that. They’re the only winless FBS team, and when your competition is the mess that is the Florida State Seminoles, I feel like you’ve dropped the ball. Much like the great state of Mississippi, I think every bad FBS team is glad there’s someone worse than them.
Huskies go bowling?
Washington saw a massive exodus of talent, coaching staff, and everything else last year after the Alabama Crimson Tide (Roll Tide) poached up-and-coming head coach Kalen DeBoer. The team tumbled from a semifinal win and a national championship loss to unranked and fighting for bowl eligibility this year. They were going to end the season against a 4–5 USC and an undefeated Oregon, and were expected to miss a bowl game, but after a dominant two-score win over UCLA, the Huskies are back in college football mediocrity. Go Dawgs?
Nobody in the Big 10 is good actually
Indiana is on bye this week, ending the season on games against Ohio State and a misery-inducing Purdue, which means that this is probably the last week I can talk about an undefeated, dominating, Indiana Hoosiers team. I’m hoping I’m wrong and I come back next week reveling in the tears of a thoroughly beaten Ohio State team, but unfortunately miracles only come during Christmas and it’s still Thanksgiving.
HOWEVER WHAT WAS THAT OREGON?? A THREE POINT WIN OVER WISCONSIN? WISCONSIN??
The only thing that state is known for is alcoholism, depression, and depression-induced alcoholism. Wisconsinites go toe-to-toe with the Scots for how much they drink before noon, but at least Scotland doesn’t see the sun twelve months a year. What’s Wisconsin’s excuse?
Oregon is one of the most dominant teams in the country, but struggling against a middling Wiscy team isn’t a good sign for the Ducks when they have a national championship in sight. Dan Lanning better be prepared for more slugfests in the playoffs, and I hope that the Washington game next week isn’t a secret trap game.
Nobody in the Big 12 is good actually
Yeah what the hell was that BYU. Sorry, wait I can’t say hell. What the heck was that BYU. I know that many of the Stormin’ Mormons are drowning their sorrows in extra strong chocolate milk tonight, and I know that the one bar in Utah is serving some hard liquor — I heard at least one person ordered a 5% beer. Kansas is not a good team. Kansas is never a good team, and Lance Leipold, god rest his soul, is still not capable of making one of the worst teams in CFB any good. AND THEY STILL BEAT BYU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING BYU. STOP DOING THAT BYU. On 4th and 6 from the 11, the 11!!!! IN THE REDZONE, a false start on everyone but the center. What a joke. BYU tumbles out of the undefeated and it’s spot as a playoff contender dives into jeopardy. Hell of a sport.
Nobody in the SEC is good actually
Okay, so as it stands, the SEC standings are Texas, Texas A&M, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama. LSU has tumbled out of contention following a genuinely hilarious beatdown by an awful Florida team, continuing a three game skid into the depths of the SEC basement. Similarly, Georgia has gotten its ass kicked by Ole Miss, then whooped UT, then beat the other UT, which beat Alabama, which then… beat Georgia. Nobody knows what’s going on in the SEC, and it seems like the Texas-A&M game is going to be a win-and-in for the SEC championship. I don’t know how to feel about that. I hope the hate is as strong as it used to be, because if I don’t see at least one riot after that game, I will be disappointed. Horns down.
Nobody in the ACC is good actually
Miami is bad at football. SMU is good at football. The gods have spoken, and it looks very possible that the ACC championship is between a team that’s never won the ACC and a team that’s in Dallas, Texas. Interestingly enough, as of right now, Clemson is #2 in the ACC, but I do not trust Dabo Swinney to beat South Carolina after whatever last year’s game was. I expect Clemson to drop one more, and I think SMU is going to get the ACC playoff spot at this point. Or, at least, I sure hope they get it, or Miami fans will be even more insufferable. I didn’t know there was a school that could out-cocaine Snow Mountain U, but the University of Mostly Addicts might be the one to take the crown. Even so, the ACC has just been a bunch of teams sucking marginally more than each other, with Stanford, FSU, and Cal acting miserably while the upper crust of the conference remains unknowably mediocre. Are they good? Are they bad? We’ll never know… But they’re bad.
Nobody in the PAC-12… aw man
Pour one out. PAC-12 we hardly knew ye.
Oh hey Boise State is pretty decent
Ashton Jeanty. That is all. Do not throw the ball. Do not kick the ball. Do not do anything else with the ball except give it to Ashton Jeanty. Give it to Ashton Jeanty.
We don’t need healthcare we need to give the Navy Football Team more money
Navy got blown out by Tulane, which is currently hot on Army’s tail for the AAC championship. Those two teams are basically the only two good teams in the AAC, but the rest of the Armed Forces Academies are doing very poorly. The Air Force Falcons are currently lobbing the government to just drone strike opposing teams before the game started, but Navy, after an amazing start, has tumbled in its last few games. The Army-Navy game is a lot less exciting now than it was a few months ago, but the solution is to just give both teams tanks. Please if anyone in the government is listening, give them tanks. Thank you.
Go Army beat Navy btw.
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