The Tartan

Dramatis Personae: 

Kevin Keene: Self-proclaimed “Not a critic” by day and a critic by night.

Randall Thomas: Don’t call him Randy.

Eshaan Joshi: Author

A quick guide to the rating scales: I watched “The Good Place” recently, and having always seen myself as someone with a face for radio and the intellect of Jason Mendoza, I decided to adopt his zero to 13 point scale where eight is the best. We sort of filled it in by saying that anything above an eight was something that was good quality (and we’d recommend it to a friend), but just wasn’t up our alley.

I started realizing sometime in the winter of my junior year (i.e., about a week and a half ago) that copious alcoholism had been missing from my time here at Carnegie Mellon. I (as any good college student ought) had never touched the devil’s brew, and of course, I felt no need to do so now, save for the rather fussy voice in my head recommending I give it a good ol’ college try. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen?

So let me paint you a picture. It’s 5 p.m. on a Friday, I have just awoken from my post-all-nighter nap and realize, in horror, that I have an article due! In a frantic state, I text my two good friends, Kevin Keene, another Carnegie Mellon student, and Randall, someone I met at Pitt, and convince them to visit a bar in Squirrel Hill with me. We grab a bus, awkwardly wait in a clump around the door until we arrive, and get off.

We headed to Hidden Harbor, a Polynesian-inspired restaurant — a moniker that’s sort of like me calling a McDonald’s menu an honest appraisal of Irish cuisine.

Still, I have to chalk up points for ambiance. We had two options to sit, the high tops near the entrance, or the darkened, atmospheric rooms in the back, in a pillow-adorned and quite comfortable booth. The moment the three of us got there, we were all in agreement: this place looked dope.

As we made ourselves comfortable, we started looking through the menu and ordered a round of drinks. Randall picked the Bala Bite, a cocktail served in a flaming skull that would have made six-year-old me (and, begrudgingly, current me) very, very excited. Kevin grabbed a Takrai Cooler. I got a Painkiller, a sort of slushy Pina Colada which wound up being drunk very quickly at the end of the night when I realized we had something to do at 7 p.m. As a side, we ordered something Kevin had some experience with, a Spanish dish called patatas bravas.

KK: (About the Takrai Cooler.) This is a brilliant drink, probably one of the best things I’ve ever had. I’m getting a strong lemongrass flavor, and I’m absolutely biased here because I love lemongrass, but it’s really, really good, and it’s well-balanced with some acidic taste. There are some pleasant floral notes in the back, and it’s just perfectly sweet.

EJ: I genuinely did not know you were this much of a critic, I had assumed you’d just sort of shrug and say good or bad.

RT: I can grunt and shrug if it makes this easier. I had the Bala Bite. I can’t quite place it, but it’s citrusy, acidic, and tastes like a slightly smokey fruit juice. I don’t really feel like I’m drinking a proper cocktail here, but it’s high quality.

KK: I didn’t think I was this much of a critic. The flaming skull was cool, though.

We all nodded in agreement at the coolness of the flaming skull. The Bala Bite got a rating of 10, meaning it’s high quality but not up Randall’s alley. The Takrai Cooler got a perfect eight. The Painkiller slushie, which deserves no part of this review, was a solid five. Our geometric mean rating for drinks was 7.3.

EJ: Okay, the slushie brain freeze is one thing, but these potatoes are genuinely amazing. What in the world?

KK: I know! These aren’t patatas bravas at all, or at least, what I’d consider patatas bravas, but they’re so good.

RT: The potatoes are baked really well, and they could be a bit crisper, so I’m gonna give this a six.

EJ: Really? I think they’re baked perfectly, the sauce is amazing, and it’s great with just a tinge of spice.

KK: I’m with Randall on this one. They could be a bit crisper, but the whole dish is so good that I have to love it. Seven.

EJ: Well, I like it a lot, so I’m going to give this a 7.5. I think that puts our rating at a 6.8 ish, right?

KK: Give or take? I’m not a human calculator. I will say that I am leaning toward giving this place an eight though. The combination of the great food, great drinks so far, and the atmosphere are really giving me something to fall in love with.

EJ: It is exceptionally cozy, especially with the weather. 

We ordered a few different dishes. I (Eshaan), had the Kalua Pork Sandwich, Randall had some Banh Mi with tofu substituted, and Kevin had the Huli Huli Chicken.

EJ: It’s really, really hard to mess up a pork sandwich.

KK: Don’t say that, I’ve seen you cook.

EJ: I swear to God, the next time I eat your flavorless pasta, I’m going to bring this up. How’s your chicken?

KK: It’s amazing, but this whole dish, together, doesn’t work. 

RT: Wait, what do you mean?

KK: The chicken? I love Nandos; it’s my favorite chicken spot back home, and this is just like that sort of chicken. Here, try some.

EJ: This is wonderful.

KK: But the salad and the rest of the food just don’t cut it. The tomatoes are cold, the purple rice is lukewarm, the salad portion isn’t filling, and the zucchini and squash are room temperature. There’s no cohesion in the dish, even if the chicken is amazing. It just doesn’t feel quality, even after everything else here. I’m gonna have to give it a four.

RT: I’m honestly gonna say the same. It’s nice having a veggie option, so that definitely bumps this up, but man, the quality is lacking. They tried getting some char marks on the tofu and it just smells of chemicals, and I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t like Banh Mi or I don’t like the way they make Banh Mi. I’d normally give it an 11 because I’d love to recommend this to my friends and see if they like it more, but considering the weird chemical smell, I’m gonna give it a four too.

EJ: The chicken can’t fix any dish, but the pork sandwich is, well, a pork sandwich. 6.5? Puts our score at a 4.7 I think.

Randall: That’s what Google Calculator says.

All in all, would we recommend this place? As a bar and snack place, absolutely. The patatas bravas and the drinks were amazing and were absolutely the sort of things I’d recommend to someone, but the rest of the food did not make the experience worth it. Kevin and Randall might not recommend this place to someone else, but I do think if you’re looking for a quick bite and a solid drink, check out Hidden Harbor. Much love to Sai, Stephen, and Marcy who served us tonight, for being absolute angels, and for making the place feel so welcoming and fun. The service was incredible, and that’s a point or two in the Harbor’s favor. 

Final Ratings

Drinks: 7.3. If you want some creative cocktails, check this place out.

Appetizers: 7.8. The app we had was great and I’d recommend it to anyone who likes garlic. Even if they don’t like garlic, to be honest.

Entrees: 4.7. Not really worth it as a sit-down place.

Ambiance/Service: Perfect 8/13. Seriously, these people are great, and the atmosphere is amazing.