In a shocking move that has left analysts and experts totally squawked, President-elect Donald Trump padded his all-star cabinet by nominating the Duolingo bird “Duo” to be the nation’s first co-Secretary of State. The renowned owl, most known for passive-aggressively reminding users to finish their language learning sessions, will now head efforts to restore global relations.
Trump has praised Duo for his forward nature and ability to “instill guilt in other people” — qualities he deems necessary for a diplomat. “Let me tell you folks, this Duo bird? People tell me, ‘Sir, this is a great bird, the greatest bird, even. Nobody’s seen anything like it,’” he said.
Upon confirmation of his nomination, Duo swiftly began publicizing his agenda of translating key foreign policy objectives into five minute lessons. A spokesperson for the app confirmed that phrases such as “Give us better trade terms, or else” and “We’re going to tariff you so hard” are being prioritized in Mandarin, French, and Canadian.
“Duo’s approach to diplomacy is rather unique,” says a spokesperson from the Trump campaign. “Instead of sanctions, countries that refuse to meet with the United States will be sent push notification reminders before they are otherwise hunted down.”
The international community has responded to the situation with equal levels of dumbfoundedness and caution. France’s President, Emmanuel Macron, has stated, “While this is certainly uncharted territory, I will admit I have completed three modules since the bird’s appointment.” Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau fears the bird’s well-known “excessive use of talons.”
Though rather bizarre, the appointment has reinvigorated public interest in the State Department. It’s been noted that Duolingo downloads have been surging by upwards of 40 percent given Duo’s impending government role. In a potentially related move, the President-elect is rumored to have selected Clippy, Microsoft Word’s paperclip assistant, to be the country’s first co-Chief of Staff. When asked for comment, Clippy responded, “It looks like you’re trying to run a government. Need help?”
This story is developing and will continue to be updated.
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