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Written Radio Mellon Institute/Carnegie Tech (WRMICT) Broadcast
There have been reports of strange lights from over the Purnell facade in the early hours of February 8½. We do not recommend speaking to these lights. They haven’t had their morning coffee yet and seem broadly disagreeable. A crisis management team has been sent with an espresso machine and gift cards to the Wean La Prima.
I wish all my fellow students good morning.
The Gates Goats have been missing for nearly six weeks. Several search parties have been sent out to discover their fate, but none have returned. If anyone sees a goat somewhere on the hill behind the Gates Center for Computer Science, please let this reporter know — it’s important to keep tabs on these sorts of things.
Our top story for this week is the excavation of the Great Crypt. Further building on the Richard King Mellon Hall of Sciences have paused further discoveries in the Great Crypt promise to destabilize our view of reality. Should the fabric of our society shift, this radio broadcast will switch from our normal content to broadcasting nothing but lies. We hope this is amenable to the Great Crypt, who we are hoping to have call into the show later today.
The local senatorial cronies have begun their election campaign. Beware casting votes for candidates who endorse further expansion into the University of Pittsburgh. Local guerillas have seized control of the Cathedral of Learning and have continued to oppose aggressive Carnegie Mellon expansionism.
Meanwhile, to raise funds, this station is hoping to begin broadcasting a local numbers station in addition to our regular content. We may take short breaks to read out seemingly random numbers. Do not fret. These are standard procedures for all stations, especially if one wants to keep goats far away from the vicinity. If these numbers bother you, we recommend replacing them with your favorite words instead. We at the station have begun referring to thirty-seven as “Kyle.”
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Good news! The feral Scotty dog incident has now been safely cleaned, with almost no important casualties. You may notice a few students missing in class tomorrow, but we would like to promise that they, at worst, will only need a few weeks of treatment. Our feral Scottish terriers are very safe. In fact, they’re the safest in the United States! We’ve won several awards for this.
President Jahanian would like to remind all students there are no sounds coming from Porter C. Do not interact with Porter C. It will remain silent while this administration is in power.
A small monster has started eating campus cyclists this week, claiming that many are not following the strict dismount zone rules. We remind our listeners that these dismount zones have enforced a faster-than-light minimum traveling speed, so any future cyclists should expect to be eaten sometime in the past week. If this is inconvenient, please email professors now, as extensions are much harder to come by in the past.
The students for 15-414, Bug Catching, managed to quell the lanternfly outbreak in Psychics II without much fuss. Of course, most students had already predicted this would happen, as well as the questions asked on the final.
And now, for the weather. We may have weather. I have not seen any. Neither has anyone else at the station.
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Good news! Local Great Crypt excavation has halted after several local mediums felt a strange sense of impending doom. The larges and smalls were less conclusive in their findings. President Jahanian has declared that “All further explorations will be on Lesser Crypts or smaller.” We at the station remain ever thankful that we all toil under the watchful eye of our president.
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The Cathedral of Learning has been declared an unsafe zone for any citizens holding a Carnegie Mellon ID. The guerillas shoot on sight. The lanternflies do, too.
A quick public service announcement:
The Gates Goats were not what they seemed. We do not advise.
Fourteen. Sixteen. Eighty-five. Ninety-one. Thirteen. Kyle. Twenty-two.
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The Carnegie Society of Greater Crypt Exploration has been determined to be in violation of the newly passed Underground Activity Law. The Undergraduate Student Senate decided to make an example of them on the Cut this morning. Prior to any actions, all forty-three senators reminded students to vote in the upcoming elections.
Other groups affected by the Underground Activity Law include the Mole People and the Tepper Dragon, who is very angry that we are asking him to move again. Alas, he still hasn’t gotten a job, so he’ll be in the basement for the foreseeable future. The Mole People will be relocated.
We’d like to announce that Kyle is no longer content with being thirty-seven. Kyle may now be thirty-seven, twenty-two, or seven. We are forced to amend our earlier numeration to: Fourteen. Sixteen. Eighty-five. Ninety-one. Thirteen. Kyle. Kyle. We hope any government agencies — secret, well-known, or otherwise — are not too peeved by these changes. It won’t happen again.
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