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Written Radio Mellon Institute/Carnegie Tech (WRMICT) Broadcast
Students will be pleased to hear that Wean Hall has been experiencing rapid growth and development. According to doctors, this growth is perfectly normal, and given Wean’s current rate of growth, the building may be tall enough to be a serious contender to join Carnegie Mellon’s Men’s Basketball team in time for our game against Case Western Reserve University. It’s important to hate Case Western Reserve University. It’s good for the soul. It’ll keep the spirits out.
I wish all my fellow students good morning.
We start with a quick astrology report. The sun has grown to be uncomfortably warm. There are some rumors that the sun is feverish. We would like to deny these rumors. The sun is not feverish. The sun has taken requisite tests and will be back in the office this Monday. The sun just wishes you wouldn’t expect responses to work emails during weekends.
Several students were shocked to discover of a clandestine relationship between Wean Hall and Doherty 3. I don’t know what to make of this. Neither does anyone else at the station. We’d assumed Wean was above this sort of impropriety, but we’re just now discovering what lies beneath the surface. We all make mistakes while we’re young, but we hope Wean learns from these sooner rather than later. Doherty 3 is not to be toyed with.
Good news! The Hunan Man’s birthday bash was a grand success, with nearly a third of the un-committed student body coming to wish him a happy 125th birthday. Committed students were unfortunately otherwise occupied with an excavation. I’m sure they’re very sad they missed it.
The Undergraduate Student Senate has announced that voting nominations are closed for this year’s elections. The winning candidates will have the pleasure of serving under the watchful eye of the Grand Commissar of Greater Carnegie. The rest will accompany the excavation as canaries.
We interrupt this reporting to remind you that we are still a numbers station in our free time. We hope to take up stripping, but Club Kitty doesn’t accept radio shows without a legal ID. Thirteen. Fourteen. Sixteen. Kyle. Kyle. Kevin. Kyle. Ten. One. Three. Nine.
There are further reports that alliances between Porter C malcontents and the guerillas have collapsed following several deer-related scandals. We now know where the deer have gone. We do not want them back.
It was Short Story Week this week in The Tartan student newspaper. Three journalists presented their favorite stories. The longest one was eaten by chained copy-editors to keep up morale. It appears The Tartan is gripped with starvation. If you have the means, please send padlocks, fences, and salt to UC314 to support locking away the staff. It is better for us all if we ignore our problems.
Several dozen empty bottles have migrated from their normal resting places in Wean 1 to Wean 3. It seems their destination is the Wean 5 clusters, which would mean that they’re beginning their migrations north for spring. It seems the bottles moving the fastest are those related to energy drinks, but Celsius has been banned from campus since its effects on the bunny population were observed. We are still dealing with the consequences, and traumatized bunnies have been offered full CaPS services while they handle what they’ve seen.
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A public service announcement: Kevin roses were discovered this weekend between the corner of 22nd and Main. We do not know how many a Kevin is, but we assume it is somewhere between thirteen fifths and twenty-seven-and-one-quarter. If anyone manages to narrow the range, please let us know at evj@andrew.cmu.edu.
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For any students who have noticed shadowy figures in the negative space around the Forbes Avenue Jehova’s Witnesses, we8 would like to remind you that you did not. Those are not there. If you do not remind yourselves of that consistently, it may cease to be true. It would be unfortunate should it cease to be true.
The Carnegie Society of Greater Crypt Exploration seems to have changed its name to the Carnegie Society of Clandestine Greater Crypt Exploration. As their new constitution permits them to only explore Greater Crypts when the act is illegal, it appears that they have once again stumped CMUPD, and their actions are now fully permitted. They have requested four hundred and Kevin dollars from the Joint Funding Committee to celebrate with a single firework. CMUPD has put in a much larger funding request to buy a tank as a consolation prize for their bruised ego.
There have been several reports of new negotiations between the guerillas and our Grand Commissar Farnam Jahanian. It seems that the Battle for the Cathedral of Learning was a disaster for many Pitt students, and the war runs ever more in our favor. We here stand with the Grand Commissar, because we do not want to become examples to the student body.
There is a new creature watching from above Hunt Library. We hope it is docile. We don’t have any more aircraft to handle it at this moment.
Wean 0 was finally cleared of all devious and dangerous entities this morning, meaning students have access to the new longcut that makes the trip from Gates to Newell Simon six times longer. The longcut has seen significant traffic from perpetually late students but is deeply unpopular amongst the prompt. We hope those narcs shove it.
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