I would bet money that there has not been a single issue of The Tartan published in the last year in which the words “stress” or “stress culture” were not mentioned. As was noted in The Tartan’s own dating survey, academics at Carnegie Mellon (and many other colleges) take up precious time that students could be using to get it on (metaphorically).
In college, I have had good relationships during semesters that I was overloading, bad relationships while taking 15-112, and even worse ones during semesters where I had very little going on. My personal opinion is more in line with one dating survey respondent: the idea that people can’t date at Carnegie Mellon because of academics “feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy that isn’t actually being fulfilled, but everyone thinks it is.” I think students make time for what’s important to them, whether that be a student organization, a video game, or a relationship (more on this later). So, while we can’t blame classes for all of our dating woes, we can recognize that balance is always hard, and made harder by a heavy course load. This leaves me wondering: How do students manage academics, extracurricular work, and a love life?
After recovering from the elation that I have finally written an article for this column in the voice of Carrie Bradshaw (please check out “Sex and the City” on Netflix for more rhetorical context), I quickly realized that there are not many media or literature examples of characters in successful relationships who are also very busy. All I really know about this topic comes from experience and observation of other students. To me, it seems that the biggest limiting factor in this balancing game is time. With classes, meetings, and homework to complete, how many hours in the day remain for us to go on dates or have impromptu romantic moments?
The way I see it, dating-related activities fall into two categories: structured and unstructured. There are dinners and coffee dates that start at a specific time and have a reasonably predictable end time. Then there are long walks and conversations, texting and calling, and nights and mornings spent together if that’s your thing. You can’t say for sure how long these things will take, and you shouldn’t want to. Like with any endeavor, quality in relationships is built by focused and extended time spent together. You simply cannot be thinking about school or hoping to wrap up the date so you can work on your essay.
It’s hard, though, to compartmentalize love and work when they can both be so life-consuming. But compartmentalize we must! And, in my opinion, a little intentionality in this separation can go a long way.
For example, imagine that it is Saturday. You have two projects to work on and then you want to go to the gym and get dinner with your new boo at 6 p.m. You have the option to work on your projects all morning and afternoon and inevitably feel like you have not achieved as much as you wanted by 5 p.m. Then you don’t have as much time as you wanted to go to the gym and are feeling frustrated by the time dinner rolls around. Distracted, you forget to ask how your new partner’s day was and are generally irritated all night.
Option Two: Go to the gym first since you know that is important to you. Then, decide you will work until 5:30 p.m. regardless of what you get done so that you can get ready for the date. Decide that you will not think about your projects on the date, and if you truly have not made enough progress during the day (which, I promise, you will), then you will ask Mr. Right to let you go around 9 p.m. so you can get a bit more done. You have a fantastic date and spend three hours talking about life.
I laugh as I write this because I struggle to do Option Two. I often fall somewhere in between being really stressed around my partner and making an effort to really focus on him. I have also been in relationships at Carnegie Mellon where the majority of time spent together was spent working. We are all learning and growing and finding what is right for us, and that’s okay.
The issue I see is when students blame their work for ruining their love life or blame their partner or relationship for not giving them enough time to be successful in school. Just like that, the answer becomes clear — the responsibility lies solely with us to create the reality we want. If a successful relationship is on your to-do list, commit yourself to making the time for it. Understand that it will be difficult and you will have to learn on the job. Most importantly, acknowledge that getting to know another person and forming a close connection is just as enriching and important to your development as a person as your classes are — there is no time wasted in love!
Leave a Reply