There are a great deal of things the world needs more of: mattress stores, banks, parking lots — and of these I have spoken adamantly to my local representatives. However, these are far from the issue at hand, my friends.
Riddle me this: It is dinner time, and you require some off-campus food to satiate that special craving. According to research, there are only so many True Burgers™ (four or five) one can consume in a given fiscal week. It’s time for that now-and-then reward, baby. You deserve it.
“Food near me.” Thai food? I had it last week. Panera? ABP says we have Panera at home. Ah, but I see it now, Google. What do I really need? Substance. And how could I forget just how badly I’ve wanted to throat a burrito comparable in weight to a small dumbbell?
I am no man of wealth, which translates loosely to “I cannot, in good faith, pay the exorbitant delivery fees of DoorDash to bring said Chipotle directly to me.” There is, then, only one option left.
I should preemptively warn you that what I’m about to say may subject you to feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness. This is normal, and a part of the process that we all must work through together. The closest Chipotle to the Fifth and Clyde Residence Hall is 0.4 miles away.
A 10 minute walk? Since when has this ever been the American way? Is there an implication here that somehow I’m supposed to WANT to walk that far? What’s worse: If you’re like me, and you want to pick up your mattress and burrito in one fell swoop, you have to go all the way to Shadyside.
To say this is anything other than an outrage would be wrong. No, I want a Chipotle on every street corner of the continental United States in the same way that all of our international airports have a McDonald’s in every terminal. Where’s a Trump executive order when you need it? It is only proper and right.
Let us consider, too: if, God forbid, you were to consume the burrito on-site at the Chipotle location, would you then be expected to carry your Chipotle pregnancy a whole half-mile home? Are there an ample number of porta-johns littered along the route back?
My fellow Americans, we must band together against both the establishment of the City of Pittsburgh — which has refused my proposal of installing Chipotle vending machines at every bus stop — and Carnegie Mellon University, which refuses to franchise a new Chipotle in every dormitory.
This is only the beginning. Once we open these doors, who knows what else we could do? Imagine a world with a Starbucks in every home, or an ATM in every bedroom! The future is ours.
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