The Tartan

If you identify as a woman, you’ve probably seen at least one Instagram Reel or TikTok that illustrates the social expectations of women and men in relationships. Think of “using location tracking to make sure my boyfriend isn’t cheating,” “I want a man who is going to pay for me and provide for me, not a boy,” and, the modern classic, “me when I get the ick.”

When I see media like this, I get the sense that some of our ideas about men, women, and relationships are so deeply ingrained in our brains that most people truly believe most men cheat and women don’t fart. “Sex and the City,” having been made in the 2000s, promotes aplenty of antiquated but virtually uncontested ideas about gender roles in relationships. In one episode, Carrie Bradshaw wonders for the first time if she could have played a role in some of her past breakups: Is it possible that it wasn’t all the man’s fault?

(I’ll note that, in this article, I am thinking primarily of heterosexual relationships or relationships where each person is a different gender. I have no experience with which to speak on same-gender relationships, but sincerely hope those who do have managed to escape the seventh circle of gender hell that is “So, which one of you is the ‘man’?”)

In an era when ​​many people’s views on gender are more dynamic and fluid than ever, I wonder why we still see relationships in such rigid terms. As I was taught, the core of feminism is that all genders have the same social and political rights. Although we can acknowledge that many men have wronged many women in so many ways throughout history, we cannot, as women, demand reparations in the form of tilting the power scales in the opposite direction. We saw how that goes in the “Barbie” movie — kind of awesome but ultimately, I think, unsustainable. And yet, some of my friends and people online who support equality for all still maintain relationship ideals that place strict expectations on both women and men. All this makes me wonder: are we practicing relationship-exclusionary feminism?

There are many ways that the inconsistency between feminism and modern relationships manifests. There even exist inconsistencies between inconsistencies. For example, I often see content created by women villainizing men in various ways. Men are dogs. Men are cheaters. Men are unemotional and they will never make you happy, so you might as well give up right now. While I am absolutely in favor of holding people accountable for their actions, I don’t think TikToks or generalizations are good formats for that kind of emotional work. I would rather leave “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider” in the third grade, and I think many feminists share this sentiment with me. Yet, as I write this, I run the risk of being labeled as a male apologist. However, that approach is unfair for the future of gender equality. It is the ammunition that people like Andrew Tate use to create more men who normalize these wrongdoings in the first place. Let’s break this cycle with a little fairness where it is deserved.

At the same time, some of these same women are creating content that demands men surpass the level of fairness. We are constantly asking, “where is the bar?” and not because we want a martini. My partner and I have made a joke out of a particular video which reads, “…He protects. He leads. He is humble. He is my peace in chaos and my home.” “He is my zookeeper. He is my flight attendant. He is my HVAC system,” we mock. Why are we asking men to be all of these things if we evidently don’t even trust them to be loyal? The answer could be that many women still feel the onus is on them to carry much of the weight in a relationship. 

I feel torn. While I do think many traditional expectations still weigh on women, I also think we have more freedom than ever to choose our partners and identify people who will help offload that weight. With that freedom I think some women have gone too far in asking men to support the entirety of the relationship. Why can we not just treat men as people who will sometimes be chaotic in chaos, and who will make mistakes, and who have the potential to be considerate and kind, just like anyone? I have seen a lot of posts by women complaining about having to “mother” their male partners, and equally many by women who want their partners to pay for everything, drive them everywhere, and essentially be their dad. Even if this is achieved, it’s not sustainable. Good, healthy relationships are about balancing care and kind deeds between partners.

I don’t necessarily mean to criticize individuals on the internet. Content is popular because it is consumed. I also recognize that feminism means that women get to decide what they want their role in a relationship to be. For example, the tradwife trend, where women share their desire to be traditional housewives, is obviously in direct conflict with the labor rights that feminists have been fighting for decades for. But as Charlotte from “Sex and the City” so wisely said when she was giving up her much-loved job for her less-loved husband, “I choose my choice.” 

What I cannot get behind is the effect that these little pieces of ideology have on how people approach real life relationships. We repeat funny things we see, and they become real. Women lose power in relationships because we are constantly afraid of an “inevitable” betrayal, or because we are expecting a level of service from another person, which is neither realistic nor healthy. Nothing changes, and everyone loses. 

I instead advocate that we replicate the equity we want to see in society within our relationships — a little “treat others how you would want to be treated” goes a long way. At the same time, as we actively learn more about gender and sexuality as a society, I hope more couples are open to learning about how gender impacts their relationships and to iterating on traditional and social-media inspired expectations to find the right balance for them.