When it comes to relationships with friends or lovers (sorry, I knew that was going to sound gross as I was writing it), it can be hard to think about what it means to really get to know someone. Online, we are constantly bombarded with content about people who found out too late that their beloved boyfriend was secretly a mall Santa, or an EDM fan, or worse. Divorce rates have been high in the past few decades, indicating that relationships don’t always turn out to be what they seem at the start. With all this turmoil, we can’t help but wonder: How do you really get to know someone?
While I can’t guarantee that any course of action will prevent an eventual relationship catastrophe, I do think that we can do a lot of prevention by thoughtfully considering the kinds of activities that will help us best understand the people we meet, regardless of what kind of relationship we want to have with them. In this article, I will outline a few categories of activity that I think are critical to truly understanding someone.
“See”
What I mean by “see” is a little more complicated than it may seem, and more representative. My initial idea was “walk,” but I quickly realized that not everyone can walk, so that couldn’t be the core of what I was trying to say. When I walk with people, what I experience is the consumption of my surroundings — seeing people, buildings, and nature. Sometimes I walk around museums, and then I see art and history. Without walking or even the sensory ability of vision, this experience can still exist. You can drive in a car and see. You can listen to music and see. You can go to a movie and see.
And I think that all of these experiences being shared with another person
can wonderfully indicate compatibility and reveal some of the inner workings of that other person. What do they notice or point out when they walk or drive outside? What kind of movies, music, art, etc. do they like to consume? How do they talk about those things? Do you also enjoy seeing or experiencing those same things with them? Does your experience of the world shift when you are with this person?
“Talk”
This one speaks for itself (no pun intended). Everyone knows that communication is key — key to life, work, and relationships. Though communicating needs and logistics is important, I think the foundation for that is the ability to just have a good conversation. It could be about anything. It should be about anything. Spending time on dates or hangouts at the outset of a relationship talking about random interests, parts of your day, or stories from your past is a good way to gauge compatibility, in my opinion. Does the conversation flow? Is the other person actively listening to what you’re saying? Are they interested and asking more questions? When they share things with you, are you interested? Do you find it easy to focus on what they’re sharing with you? It is these qualities that point to an inherent chemistry between two people, I think.
Much of this article was inspired by my thinking about relationship longevity, so I’ll use that as a metric for demonstrating the value I see here. If you are going to be with someone for many years, having a conversation about anything in any situation is critical. Imagine going grocery shopping with someone once a week for 10 years, and every time you stand in line to check out, there is silence instead of a random conversation about the celebrity magazines near the cashier. That’s a no from me.
“Eat”
We all need to eat. If you marry someone, you will probably be eating a meal with them at least once a day for the rest of your life. You’d better enjoy doing that. I don’t think two people must always enjoy the exact same foods always for a happy relationship to bloom, but I do think having the same general tastes and cravings can do a lot for a couple. It makes it easier to select restaurants or meals to cook, easier to share different things at restaurants, and easier to focus on other things that are more important in the relationship. I think it’s no coincidence that dates so often happen in restaurants, but also that we don’t talk about the role of food in relationships often enough. I urge you to think critically about what you and the people in your life are consuming and what kind of dynamic that creates between you.
I’m sure important experiences in relationships extend far beyond what I have laid out here. Still, having a small set of things to focus on at the start of a relationship can help you be more intentional and, ultimately, successful in getting to know someone and getting to know if you’re a good pair. Holding on to the wonderful things that work well for you throughout your relationship can also help you develop a great sense of perspective and gratitude — a home base for when things maybe aren’t going so well or when the relationship requires more work. If you know you love going for a walk to get a bagel with your loved one, you will always have that to return to.
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