In an effort to standardize technologization efforts and reduce resource consumption, Carnegie Mellon Dining Services is excited to unveil its plans for digital meal plans with virtual food that students can purchase using university-issued meal blocks and flex dollars.
The move comes after Carnegie Mellon’s nanotechnology researchers developed a breakthrough chip designed to sever hunger impulses for real food at the source. Just like with identification cards, students can opt-in for the standard procedure that will be offered via Health Services, in which the chip is drilled into their brain “Severance”-style.
“As a university, we pride ourselves on forward-thinking and using our technological innovations to find pertinent solutions,” said Don Cleavage, spokesperson for Carnegie Mellon Dining. “In an increasingly uncertain time where institutional funding may soon be slashed, we hope this move sends a message to other higher education institutions across the country; we are ready to replace real food.”
After expressly noting that the school “did not steal the work of a student,” Cleavage detailed what the experience might be like for prospective students who choose this option in the coming year.
“We want to assure students that you will still get the typical ‘wait in line, block a friend’ experience,” he claimed, “but instead of picking up the physical food, you will only look at it, salivating.”
Cleavage has already donned a new set of lingo that Carnegie Mellon students should prepare to adopt as the change is implemented.
“So, ‘blocks,’ as they’re known now, will be renamed ‘chips’ — these are any blocks spent using the hunger-impulse-negation (HIN) chip that resemble a hunger craving matching a dinner equivalent,” he says. “‘Flex’ will be known as ‘nips’ — think of these as an equivalent to the snacks you buy at Entropy, or anything that just ‘nips’ a bit of hunger away.”
Despite feelings of hunger being deactivated, the average human does still require some food to maintain the basic threshold of sustenance that university staff is calling “scraggly, but not emaciated.”
“While we continue to facilitate research on a chip that removes the need for food entirely, students will, in all likelihood, still have to eat at least a few times a week. We are in close conversation with our partners at nanotech to assess how we can minimize these ‘necessary’ consumptions.”
For Ph.D. student Wesley Bones, the move is seen as a positive one, and one that will greatly improve the remainder of his time at the university.
“I mean, given my modest stipend, I’m not, like, eating that much anyway,” he said. “If I was already walking around with a dinner-shaped hole in my stomach, why not just take the mental part away? I can always add food back into the mix when I graduate.”
Students are expected to pay full price for a traditional first-year meal plan, in addition to newly-introduced “guinea-pig technology” and “zero liability” fees. Sign-ups begin this August.
Leave a Reply