BREAKING — On March 31, at 4:01 a.m., CMUPD received a phone call from a concerned student in the lobby of Doherty Hall. Officers Watkins and Shapiro were dispatched to the location and extracted the student from their hiding spot; the first-year in question revealed their former allegiance to the Carnegie Mellon satire publication, ReadMe.
Two weeks ago, while conducting research on the extensive and storied campus steam tunnels (after a new above-ground access point was recently discovered), staff writers discovered potential human remains and followed their instincts all the way under Wean Hall. After approximately six hours of excavation efforts, they discovered a secret floor below the building’s fifth (or maybe like 50th) sub-basement, filled with dusty defunct computers and blueprints looking eerily similar to European geopolitical maps.
An article titled “Haha found a war room under Wean” was published online only last Wednesday and received five views. According to the aforementioned student leak, plans for the previously undiscovered floors are being developed as we speak. CMUPD is attempting to halt production immediately. Wean Hall has been closed to the public, and agents emerging from black vans have been spotted extricating the discovered material.
ReadMe’s entire online presence has been scrubbed from the Internet, including their Tartan Connect page, and their booth spot on Midway has been given to the Carnegie Mellon Fencing club. Editor-in-chief Eshaan Joshi was not able to be reached for comment. His last known location comes from his personal cell phone, which pinged a cell tower in Key Largo, Florida at 5:32:08 EST on Saturday, March 29. It is suspected he has been detained to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, for questioning.
“I just didn’t want to dig anymore, literally and figuratively,” the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, confessed in a phone interview with The Natrat last night. “We ran out of shovels, and I just joined last month, so I was forced to use my bare hands. I felt like we were finding something we weren’t supposed to see. Once the article made it to Copy 1, it was too late.”
Wean 0.5 has been closed to the public since 1947. The student body is advised to avoid the leftmost elevator in the center of all floors and any stairs descending from Doherty C for the foreseeable future.
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