Preface: “A Minecraft Movie” is not 90 minutes of sped-up repeating phrases being shouted by Jack Black. I know, I wish it was, too.
Spoilers for “A Minecraft Movie.”
The “Modern Hollywood Classic” is a dying breed. It has been stamped out for nearly half a century by shlock that, in recent years, has failed to fill even the smallest of theatres. Studios have continually failed to acknowledge what people want to see, and it has brought the film industry into a depressed state. The risk-free approach of the modern movie business has rarely given us something to sink our teeth into. There are not enough Walmart bargain bins in the world to contain the steady output of sequels and remakes being made year after year.
Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Like the phoenix emerging from Heliopolis every 500 years, Warner Bros. has done it: they have made a masterpiece. “A Minecraft Movie” might just beat “Barbenheimer” as the biggest cultural phenomenon movie of the past decade. Is it bad? Yes. Is it fun? Double yes. Sometimes, being a hungover, over-stimulated college kid dressing up as Steve and ruining a theater custodian’s day by throwing $30 worth of popcorn at your friends is a Maslowian need. The obliterated box office speaks volumes. Brainrot sells. Jason Momoa’s fake wig, Jack Black as an awkward casting choice, randomly announced game terms, and stupid musical numbers that do nothing but pad out the runtime are really brain-smoothing art, but it works. It just works.
I don’t think people ever considered Minecraft (the game) to be a realistically viable game to adapt into a movie. The derivative dime novels set in Minecraft prove that the source material is too strained to generate enough plot for a conclusive story, as there is no driving conflict. This film made up an evil witch Piglin antagonist, which was a missed opportunity for a Pillager or End Dragon tie-in that might have fit better. But that wouldn’t change the simplistic writing. Maybe with the post-credit scene being Steve meeting a faceless Alex, they’ll put it in “A Minecraft Movie 2.”
The movie’s soundtrack is surprisingly lacking Minecraft composer C418’s nostalgic songs (recently added to the Library of Congress’ Nationally Significant Recordings!). Though it hurts to say, that probably was the correct decision. This movie is not a representation of those calm, at times eerie, feelings that Minecraft evokes. It’s an oversaturated children’s film where you know that no one but the villains will die when you go in. It’s only Minecraft in name. The writers kept adding those random ad-libs from Steve as if to remind the audience, no matter how far it strays, it is, deep down, a Minecraft movie.
There’s a record called “11” in Minecraft, and it’s the closest the game ever got to presenting what a live-action Minecraft might sound like. The movie in that case would take a “Tom Hanks in ‘Castaway’ approach.” The central idea of the film — that people should not be afraid to let their curiosities run wild — would then make a lot more sense and tie the movie together. The fact that they made a He-Man-type ending message for the kids is strange. Apart from Henry’s little introduction, the movie never shows the friction a child’s curiosity faces.
Speaking of the characters: apart from Steve, the villains, and maybe Jason Momoa, they aren’t very useful or developed for characters we have to sit through 25 minutes of insipid introductions for. Most of the film’s conflicts involve a character getting into a bad spot, and Steve using plot armor devices to get them out. It’s hard to root for characters not given any chance to shine.
The film isn’t bad. It’s not good. But that’s not why people want to see this film. The people want something they can expect to laugh at (not with). “A Minecraft Movie” delivers. It’s directed by Jared Hess, who did “Nacho Libre” (2006) with Jack Black, and it manages to capture the same sort of over-the-top laughs we miss from our childhoods. Perhaps “A Minecraft Movie” is scratching a generational itch we didn’t realize we had.
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