Well, I’ve drunk nearly 16 cups of tea to find the perfect combination of tea leaves for all the various star signs, so if this one doesn’t predict your future, let me know. Then I can go out hunting to get some bird entrails for the next issues.
As always, if these don’t come true, send hate mail to evj@andrew.cmu.edu.
Aries — We’re spelling these right this time! I got a dictionary and everything. Anyway, the tea leaves tell me you’re in the ballpark for some terrible news. Terrible, terrible news. Venmo me $40 and I can un-predict it. But if you don’t, I have bad news for ya, buddy. No, this isn’t an extortion racket, what do you mean?
Taurus — There are so many bull jokes I want to make that I physically can’t decide. What I can determine is that you have terrible taste. Awful taste. You like things I don’t, and for that, I judge you. Think about that. Think long and hard. Think about where you went wrong. Maybe your parents didn’t love you enough. Maybe they loved you too much. Point is, you’re a screw up. Fix it.
Gemini — Honestly, I feel like I’m being too negative. The tea leaves for this one probably mean “you’ll have a great time.” It’s gonna be fun. How was your Valentine’s Day? Didja ask them out? Who? You know who, you’ve been talking about her/him a ton. No? You have too much homework for a girl/boyfriend? Fine. Don’t say I didn’t try.
Cancer — Tea leaves say to avoid men with large hats and women with large knives.
Leo — I tried coffee for this one, and all I got was really hyper and my leg shakes and now I want to do so much what if I stayed up all night and then did it again and again and again and again and again this is so much fun I love being this energetic I gotta drink this much coffee again how many milligrams was this oh was it over 1,000 dang maybe this was a bad idea–
Virgo — Falling books, precariously placed ladders, and black cats. You’re going to have a very unlucky week, and I hate to break it to you, but it’s probably just going to get laughed off by your friends. You’ll warn them, and they won’t listen. You’ll be Cassandra tied to the rocks, unable to convince your friends that someone is actually out to get you.
Libra — Congratulations! They can’t find enough evidence to convict!
Scorpio — The leaves are telling me Scorpios are about to have a great week, so I don’t want to doubt the tea leaves, but I flipped tarot cards and got the fool thrice. So go have fun, watch “Three Amigos,” and practice the hip thrust.
Sagittarius — As a Sagittarius myself, telling you this would be a conflict of interest. Figure it out yourself. I used Earl Grey, but I think Darjeeling would work the same. Just don’t use English Breakfast. I don’t mess with English Breakfast.
Capricorn — The feeling of being perceived is really interesting. I am perceiving you. You are not perceiving me. Isn’t this fun?
Aquarius — Why don’t you have a darn internship yet? Do better.
Pisces — You love this weather, and you can’t wait for another six weeks of this. Global warming, shmobal warming. “I can see snow; it’s not going to be a problem,” you say. “You’re very smart,” the tea leaves say. I’m following your lead. I’ve been burning crude oil and releasing chlorofluorocarbons into the atmosphere. Live your life, because by the time climate change is irreversible, you’ll probably be rich enough to ignore it.
Bonus Horoscopes
Dietrich — That weird class with four students and an instructor was probably the best decision you’ve made all year. It’s about to get way more fun, and you better enjoy it while you can.
Mellon — Experiment Safely Kids. With science, I mean.
Tepper — You don’t need my horoscopes; you base your entire life on whether the stock market is green or red.
SCS — Go to Office Hours, please. I beg you. They just give you the answers there! Stop trying to struggle through whatever lab you’re working on and just go to OH.
Heinz — Not real. Next!
CFA — Honestly, my friend did a super cool painting this week, so I think y’all are gonna have a great week.
CIT — We’re all doomed. We’re all doomed. It’s so over. We’re doomed. Run. Run for your life.
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