For every man that Carrie Bradshaw dated in “Sex and the City,” no relationship could ever match her bond with her city: New York. The crux of the series occurs when she moves to Paris, thinking it will be romantic and beautiful, only to find that she has lost herself by leaving New York. The city is her soulmate, the love of her life, and her destiny. So she returns.
I would not say that I completely feel this way about Pittsburgh or Carnegie Mellon. But as I approach graduation — and dramatically act like it’s only happening to me — I recognize that I am approaching the end of a real and true relationship that I have been in with this school for four years. Part of that relationship will be me writing my last article for this newspaper, and this will be that article. And this article will be about that relationship and other relationships and endings and summertime.
If going to my Pittsburgh public high school in Squirrel Hill was like dating the tough-as-nails school drug dealer who only has a soft spot for you, going to Carnegie Mellon is like dating the preppy captain of the crew team who your parents love, the one who sweeps you off your feet with grand romantic gestures, and who loves to go on random adventures and eat snacks. He has great career potential, but tends to freeze up when you show too much emotion, and sometimes ditches you to do homework with his super boring friends when you need some company.
At the beginning, I was so wooed. I didn’t really want to go here, but my parents convinced me to give it a shot (“Think of how cute your kids could be!”), and I loved it. Carnegie Mellon took me to parties and introduced me to famous people. I was encouraged to excel in my academics and make lots of friends and be so happy. I fell in love in an irrevocable and permanent way. This became home.
Inside this metaphor, I also had actual relationships. I became best friends with a few amazing women on campus, whom I am so lucky to still be friends with. I had romantic relationships that didn’t work out, then one that did. Sophomore year, I learned that I like to study alone, I learned how to be thoughtful, and I learned how scary it is to still be dating someone when May rolls around. “Look, you are learning so much and changing for the better because of me!” Carnegie Mellon said.
In my opinion, dating in college is so unique. You always live close to your partner and there’s no job to go to in the morning, so you can have sleepovers randomly all the time. It’s easy to run into them in the middle of the day. There is such an increased level of intimacy and closeness you can achieve at school that it’s hard to imagine continuing without it over the summer, when you are so often in different places. I “did long distance” two summers of college, and I believe it can be a beautiful thing if you are intentional about it. It is really hard. But if you really think and talk about how you enjoy communicating outside of in-person chatting, and if you are willing to fail sometimes and get up and try again, it can be a good opportunity to reconnect with yourself outside of the relationship, and to still maintain a close connection that you know you can go back to. I would always recommend people try it before giving up on a relationship because of conflicting summer plans.
Unsolicited advice aside, my relationship with Carnegie Mellon wasn’t always perfect. Junior year was tough — I did so many things because I wanted to be involved, and I wanted to make the relationship even closer. But it took a lot out of me. Constantly working left me bereft of some of my favorite parts of myself. I felt exhausted, and, when I left for the summer, I enjoyed the time away from campus so much more than I ever expected. Were we not as meant to be as I had thought? Around this time, so many people around me were talking about the Carnegie Mellon toxic work culture, mental health struggles caused by pressures at school, and the Department of Defense pipeline. I felt defensive of the Carnegie Mellon I had come to know and love — I refused to believe this same school that had taken care of me could damage so many others, including me.
This year, I came to terms with the dichotomy of it all. At the end of the day, the person I should always rely on most is myself. I have loved Carnegie Mellon in so many ways. I have loved warm days on the Cut, the sunsets, and running into friends on my way to class. I have loved late nights at club meetings, egg sandwiches from The Exchange, and the weirdly large amount of knowledge I now have about power tools. I have loved the person I’ve become while I was here, but I also know that I will probably become even better once I never have to take another exam. Ironically, I learned at Carnegie Mellon that work isn’t everything, and that is the one thing that makes me want to leave.
I learned that the people in my life are everything, and that is the thing that makes me want to stay. It is an impossible situation. I want all my friends to succeed and achieve their dreams, but all of our dreams happen in different cities all over the world. I have been through so much with these people. It is simultaneously completely okay and too horrible to consider. All things must move forward.
What about that relationship that worked out, you ask? Well, I can only say that if you find yourself still in a long-term relationship when your graduation is rolling around, you deserve both my sincerest congratulations and apologies. The idea of being separated from my partner by the cruel wheel of time makes me feel like I am going to become a lizard, because it has nothing to do with us. Our trajectory should not be shaped by the American standards for higher education. I am so enormously lucky that I will be able to walk across the graduation stage and see him on the other side, but not everybody will be. I am grateful to take a little piece of Carnegie Mellon with me in that way.
As for me and this school, we’re splitting up on good terms, but it will be a dramatic breakup. I will scream and cry and tell all his friends that he was weirdly into feet, even if he wasn’t. We will go on no contact for probably five years. I will listen to “The Way I Loved You” by Taylor Swift a lot. I will also embrace my newfound freedom, learn even more about myself, and remember Carnegie Mellon often and fondly for all the wonderful memories I made here — I will hold on to a little bit of it for the rest of my life, like a borrowed sweatshirt I never returned after the split.
Thank you for reading my articles for four years; it’s been wonderful! And keep reading the newspaper — some really fantastic people work really hard on it.
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