Friends, gather ‘round the television, grab a buddy and a beer, and rejoice, for at long last that sacred and time-honored tradition is once more upon us — the NHL playoffs.
To begin, however, let us reflect on the Pittsburgh Penguins’ season. From pain and suffering in humiliating blowouts to an atrocious extra-time record, this season certainly had its downs and downs. Like Kyle Dubas, I did not think that, given the strength of this team’s core, the Penguins would be bottom 10 finishers in the league, but just think of the draft capital! In all seriousness, the prospect pool in Wilkes-Barre appears quite promising, and I do think this team has a chance to climb back into a competitive position in a few seasons. We must remember that despite our greatest frustrations, some teams, like the poor Sabres, haven’t been in the playoffs for over a decade. We’ve been spoiled with Crosby and solid management for too long. It is only natural that we, hopefully briefly, return to the ashes.
But from the Penguins’ absence in the playoffs emerges an equally beautiful opportunity: watching the most high-stakes hockey with incredulous indifference. (The Rangers aren’t in, so we have no one to root against, really.)
There are new sheriffs in town this year. Ottawa is returning from seven years playoff-less, the Canadiens are back after losing the finals in 2021, and teams like the Capitals have somehow managed to skip a rebuild altogether? (Damn you, record-setting Alex Ovechkin.)
The absence of the Bruins, Penguins, and Rangers has never been seen in modern NHL history, nor has all six original teams missing the playoffs been seen either. It’s the dawn of the new age, one where the minor league younglings are all grown up and hungry to win championships.
Let’s take a look at the first round matchups and, like every year, see how many I get wrong. If I have your team winning, I’m so sorry. So sorry.
Winnipeg vs. St. Louis
Somewhere in the distance, I hear the faint chimes of Gloria, of 2019 madman Patrick Maroon — could it be? An 11-game winning streak and Binnington’s return to brick wall form to end the season? They’ve done it again.
But Winnipeg has had a dominant season. They’ve won the Presidents’ Trophy with over 40 regulation wins, and their core Connor, Ehlers, Scheifele, and Morrissey seem a little too unstoppable for a real problem with the Blues. Winnipeg in 5.
Dallas vs. Colorado
This will be a devastating quick exit for the team that loses. Both of these teams have either been knocking or are knocking on the door of championships with a lot of salary and big names behind them. Dallas has been so consistent through the regular season, and the Avalanche are about to have Gabriel Landeskog return from long-term IR.
While I do wish for the story of Colorado riding that wave, that loss to the Stars in the final years back means too much for the guys in that room to go out in round one. Dallas in six.
Vegas vs. Minnesota
So like, Minnesota knows they’re not really supposed to be here, right? Right? They could’ve been nice and given their spot to the Flames, who at least have a little bit more depth and cohesiveness.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Eriksson Ek, Boldy, Kaprizov, and the gang, but you wouldn’t even need to know what team they were playing to know that they’d lose this round. What can I say? I guess I’m a hater. Vegas sweeps in 4.
Los Angeles vs. Edmonton
Death, taxes, and the Kings and Oilers in the first round, every year. This will be the fourth year in a row, but there have been many more meetings before that.
And, you know what, I’m going to stick with recent tradition. The Oilers seem to have what it takes for deep playoff runs consistently. It’s only a matter of time before they reach the top. You do have to go through the first round to do that, though. Oilers in 6.
Toronto vs. Ottawa
You know what would be really funny? If Toronto loses. That would be hilarious. That would have me rolling on the floor. It’d be so funny, especially because I have them winning it all. Don’t you think it would be funny?
Toronto in 7. (Ottawa in 4).
Tampa Bay vs. Florida
No, no, you don’t understand; yes, Tampa Bay is IN Florida, but they are not the same. They need two different teams, obviously. No, you see, one team won the Stanley Cup last year and has a load of veteran playoff experience plus an added Brad Marchand at the deadline, while the other is coasting on an insufferable core. No one likes you, Nikita Kucherov.
And how do they keep making the playoffs anyway? Panthers in 7.
Washington vs. Montreal
This is actually the series I am the most excited for. Most people are underestimating the competitiveness of this series. Let’s not forget the strides Montreal had to make since the Four Nations Faceoff to get here and the non-rebuild rebuild that Washington has had. The Caps are Presidents’ Trophy runner-ups, sure, but we can’t act like they weren’t some glaring cracks in the armor over the home stretch. The depth isn’t always there.
Rebuttal: This team is also just too good. Washington in 6.
New Jersey vs. Carolina
This could honestly work in either team’s favor; two sinking ships clashing for the right to be inevitably owned by Washington in round two. You don’t have to be good to win this series — only good enough. Carolina couldn’t seem to get enough losses to close out the year. Couple that with Jack Hughes’ absence, and we get a fun Eastern Conference war of attrition.
I theorize that Carolina will find it somewhere in themselves to at least win this round. They’ve been a team on the fringes of a cup for a while, and they at least deserve a little distance. Do it for the fans! Carolina in 5.
There’s no telling where the next weeks may carry us. Maybe Winnipeg gets swept in the first round. Maybe the Wild learn how to play hockey. Maybe I’ll watch consistently despite there being no Sidney Crosby. I’ll be paying special attention to see who gets fired in a few weeks, because surely it’ll be the coaches’ fault.
I leave my bracket with you so that you may point and laugh. In 2019, I managed to make a bracket in which I got every first-round matchup wrong (0.38% chance). Yes, I have the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup, and, no, I’m not joking. Berate me when they lose in the first round.
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