Every spring, like clockwork, a curious thing happens in Pittsburgh — the temperatures rise, Primantis drops a new sandwich, and the Pirates give us a glitter of hope with a near .500 record. A whole handful of wins in April! People get delusional.
“Maybe this year will be different,” they’ll say. “Besides, it’s still too early to judge.”
Dear reader, it won’t be. It’s never, ever too early to give up on the Pirates, and in fact, I will now dispel all naive optimism and come clean in telling you it would be healthier if you did.
Here at Carnegie Mellon, we pride ourselves on science, and hope — when it comes to the Pirates — is not only a dangerous drug: it’s also incredibly unscientific. This much, I can prove.
This is a franchise that has not won a division title since 1992 and a World Series since the dawn of time (‘79). This is a team that, from 2016 to 2023, has averaged 95 losses per season. The payroll ranks in the bottom five in the MLB, while the ticket prices are proportionally more expensive.
Let this information make a compelling argument; you are no bad fan for giving up, only a rational human that refuses to be continually emotionally manipulated by a team that treats baseball with the casualty and indifference that the name “American pastime” suggests.
Next on the agenda: addicts need interventions. Recognize the cycle. In March, you’ll say, “We’ve got some developing talent!” and then in April you’ll say, “We’re at .500! Could this be our year?” and then in May you’ll say, “Alright, it’s a rough patch now” and then in June you’ll say, “We’re still in the hunt if we four-game-sweep the Reds!” and then in July you’ll say, “Sell the team, I can’t believe I fell for it again” before returning to watch the Steelers throw screen passes in October. If you just start with July, we avoid this whole headache.
The last piece of this three-part manifesto is understanding that giving up doesn’t mean you have to give up the experience of attending. Go to the ballpark. Enjoy the sun. Eat a hotdog. Cheer for the occasional double, but just remember, deep down in your bones, that this team will not make the playoffs unless Bob Nutting purchases and begins managing all the other teams in the NL.
If you really really need the emotional investment, consider a temporary rental fandom. The Orioles have a fun young core, and the Mariners play like they actually enjoy playing baseball. It’s like the situation with the Penguins, except you get the privilege of believing it before the season even begins.
The Pirates are the art — the very essence, even — of disappointment. There’s so much freedom in letting go, folks. You can still love the game. You can still buy an Andrew McCutcheon jersey; no one’s gonna stop you. Just stop lying to yourself: It’s not giving up, it’s growing up.
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