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Written Radio Mellon Institute / Carnegie Tech (WRMICT) Broadcast
There is a Pittsburgh in Kansas and a Squirrel Hill in Philadelphia. There’s an Oakland in Michigan and a Dallas in South Florida. By that reasoning, it seems that there’s another Carnegie Mellon out there, somewhere, waiting for us to falter. I would not recommend finding out what they want.
I wish all my fellow students good morning.
There was an apparent struggle near the Walking to the Sky statue in the night, as it seems one of the denizens was voted off the walk and replaced with someone else. We hope to get a new crew to interview the new walker, but the hideous screaming when we get close is making it difficult. We will, of course, keep you updated as we discover more.
In other news, new rules have prevented entering Porter C, Doherty G, and Wean 0. These areas are under the protection of the Carnegie Mellon Police Department. They are armed. They are dangerous. They will stop you from entering. Should you find a way to enter, instead call over your local campus police officer and ask them to seal the entrances. They will be welded shut shortly after being brought to our attention. Do not think about these sub-basements. They cannot reach you.
President Jahanian was spotted in and around Purnell today, flanked by two strange administrative aids. It appears he was looking for someone, but they have eluded capture. If anyone knows who they are looking for, do what you can to help them. I do not want to hinder President Jahanian’s search. If anyone wants more information, there is an information desk next to the food trucks. You cannot order food from the information desk, but the food trucks know much more than they let on.
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The missing Walking to the Sky statuette was discovered around Mellon, with only minor discoloration. The statuette most likely walked there after the 61C was late several times last night. I almost missed recording this report because of the 61C. I demand the Port Authority fix this issue, so that no more statues tire themselves out traveling in Pittsburgh. The Port Authority is very receptive to complaints and criticism — I’d recommend asking them whenever you need something fixed.
Carnegie Mellon University has announced a lengthening of the Walking to the Sky statue to fit the missing statuette back in with its friends. We look forward to seeing the family together again. However, if any other statuettes start moving, it’s highly recommended to let them wander before bringing them back to prevent captivity diseases. We wouldn’t want sickly statues on campus, would we?
And now for the Whether.
We have not decided Whether to talk about it or Whether we want to avoid it yet. We will keep you posted.
Several members of Tepper have announced progress on the dragon hiding in Tepper 1403. The dragon has made it very difficult to hold 15-122 office hours due to its constant habit of shouting out its code as it debugs. Several students have complained that it is almost TOO easy to cheat off the dragon. Ethically, the dragon would need to be expelled from 15-122, but nobody has decided who will be telling them yet. We wish the Tepper students the best of luck. Carnegie stands with you.
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A quick public service announcement:
We would like to remind students that there is a small reward for helping President Jahanian find the escapee. The reward will be announced once the escapee has been unescaped. Please keep a lookout for anyone leaving campus premises.
Three new students arrived on campus this morning. We do not know where they came from. They seem to be replacements. If your student is defective, or you’re particularly tired of your roommates, send an email to evj@andrew.cmu.edu to receive a new one. A reminder that this process is permanent, so if you’ve given your student anything you find particularly valuable, remove that before the exchange.
Porter C has been fully sealed off as of now, based on announcements from the Undergraduate Student Senate. The number of senators will decrease from 45 to 43 to correct for this change. Additionally, the hideous screaming has relocated to the sub-basements of Doherty. We recommend earplugs. Earplugs have solved most of my problems in Doherty. They can be purchased for $214.99 from the bookstore, or for $5.99 from anywhere else.
For our last update, the traffic report for campus has been updated. Students who are traveling at relativistic speeds will no longer be allowed on the dismount zones. The dismount zones are for superliminal travel only. Non-paradox-causing travel must be restrained to specific zones. For questions, please contact your local speedometer for updates, they have been calibrated properly this time.
Another quick PSA: I don’t like peas. You shouldn’t eat peas.
We believe we need to shut down the report for today. We have nothing more to publish. If you are afraid, we are as well. Please stop that. It is deeply inconvenient. It has been a pleasure.
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