Dear most glamorous pillbox readers,
In these days of freezing temperatures and fluffy snow, even a workaholic like myself has not been able to resist curling up with a good TV show. My drug of choice these days has been “Gossip Girl.” It’s essentially the same as “Sex and the City,” in that it takes place in New York City and is narrated by a writer who sets the scene and keeps track of all plotlines in the show. The difference between the shows is that the main characters are about two decades apart in age, and the maturity of their actions — and thus, the material makeup of the plot — varies accordingly.
In pondering how the blog/column writers from each show effectively capture readers’ attention (so that I may capture yours), I thought about the clarity with which both Gossip Girl and Carrie Bradshaw share their values with their audiences. It is clear from Gossip Girl’s actions that she is only interested in exposing the not-always-fantastic lives of wealthy Upper-East-Siders. For better or worse, Carrie Bradshaw takes a more direct approach by writing about her specific dating dos and don’ts. With their examples in mind, I’d like to continue my column by sharing my long-studied and thought-out values regarding love.
What is love? Is love different if it’s between siblings, or parents, or friends, or partners? “Certainly,” you say. But how? Besides the physical actions and behaviors we partake in as part of these different relationships, does the essence of loving another person change from person to person? Does everyone feel love the same way? If these questions interest you as much as they interest me, you are in luck, because there is a class taught here at Carnegie Mellon called “Love: A Cultural History” where you can explore all the minutiae. I took this class two years ago, and it helped me untangle a collection of ideas that preceding and subsequent experiences have modified in various ways. Without further ado:
- Trust and Respect
When people talk about pop psychology and relationships, the phrase “secure attachment” always comes up. It’s well-known that connections backed by uncertainty or fear of betrayal are unhealthy. But why? It might seem obvious — if you don’t trust someone, part of you will always be holding back from them. I think people underestimate the true impact of this. We are surrounded by media that tells us that people are always cheating on each other, where anyone could be doing anything on a dating app, or they could secretly be a serial killer! If you don’t love serial killers, and part of you secretly thinks that the person you love could be a serial killer (or a cheater, or anything else bad), then you do not love that person. Complete trust is hard, but it is both the cause and the effect of love.
- Contentedness
I had a hard time coming up with a word to describe the attribute I was looking for here, but it goes hand in hand with the “trust” component. If you are going to love someone, you have to love them for who they are and for the relationship you have. That isn’t to say that if something is harmful to you, you should sit back and say, “I’m content.” Rather, this gets at the “I can change them” trope. If you want to change them, you don’t love them and you shouldn’t be with them. Someone you love, while they may not be perfect, will not give you any reason to feel discontented in a significant way. Acceptance of this person’s little quirks is a whole-hearted kind of love that I think is absolutely necessary.
- Similarity/Reflection
A variety of readings I did as part of my “love” class dealt with a common question: Do opposites attract? Or do people like to be with someone who is just like them? I find a helpful answer comes from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love”: “A true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.” She goes on to say that this soulmate is not the person you end up with long-term. This is disappointing, and I’m not sure I completely agree with her. I do think that she gets at a critical aspect of love, though. A person you love reflects parts of you, whether it’s because they also contain these same qualities or because they are the complete opposite of you and highlight these qualities by contrast. I think that to love someone, you need to know yourself, but contrary to what some motivational Instagram posts might claim, you don’t need to have everything figured out before you meet this person. You can figure it out with them, and you should. They should help you love yourself, and you should reciprocate by pointing out or reflecting on qualities they have that you think are special.
- Time
Though we still, as a society, hold “Romeo and Juliet” in high esteem, every English teacher I have ever had has said that they moved too fast! They were crazy teenagers! They had no idea what love was! We find love at first sight in literature unconvincing for a reason — because, in my opinion, it’s not real! To truly love someone, you need to invest the time necessary to get to know them and develop all the trust and mirror-like behavior that I described above. Once you do this, the time you continue to invest in the relationship should feel like a gift you get back. Especially in college, time is our most important commodity. You should feel value coming from the time you spend with someone, and you should choose to spend this time when you have the energy available for it. This is where I may begin to overlap with the ever-popular love languages. I may be a “quality time” girlie, and maybe this doesn’t apply to others. Sorry!
- Care and Intentionality
This one seems obvious and also converges a bit with the principles behind the five love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch). Getting to know what is important to the person you love and using your energy to create experiences that make them happy is crucial, and a high indicator of success in relationships. People love it when someone knows their favorite ice cream flavor and brings it to them when they’re sad. People also love it when others respect their desire to be texted instead of called to make plans, or when someone knows just what to say to make them feel better. These things don’t just happen in movies, and they’re not magic either. It’s care that can drive someone to learn and enact the specific things that make you happy. That’s love!
As an aside, I think there are also a few things that love is not. For good measure, I’ll include them here.
Love is not an obsession. Love is not a power dynamic. Love is not pain. Love is rarely temporary.
Needless to say, this is all based on my personal opinions and experiences, but I do think that the majority of it is widely applicable to friendships, romantic relationships, and even familial relationships. There are certainly other components of all of these types of relationships that are also critical to the experience of love, and if there’s something you think I didn’t include here, email me! I want to know 🙂 acappell@andrew.cmu.edu
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