Dramatis Personae:
Eshaan Joshi, the last curio collector on this side of the Monongahela.
Kevin Keene, self-proclaimed “not a critic” by day, critic by night.
Record of the Year:
KK: “Not Like Us” is such a good song. I can’t comment on the culture, because I’m so white that I think sourdough is spicy, but it’s such a solid ending to one of the most enjoyable rap beeves I’ve ever witnessed. I hope Kendrick plays it eight times in a row at the Super Bowl.
EJ: While I’m only marginally less caucasian than Kevin Keene, I have to agree with him. “Not Like Us” is something that I heard non-stop over the summer, especially at the height of the Drake versus Kendrick feud. “Family Matters” was decent, but “Not Like Us” closed this beef with a bang.
Album of the Year:
EJ: I’m always going to be happy when Beyoncé gets her flowers. She’s been waiting for AOTY for so long, and I’m glad her first foray into country music is the one that gets her the win. Also, it sticks it to Nashville. Suck it, Nashville!
KK: Beyoncé has been robbed from AOTY multiple times, but I don’t think this album deserved it. “Short n’ Sweet” and “Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess” were both better albums this year, and I think that even if you think “Cowboy Carter” was better than one of them, it wasn’t better than both.
Song of the Year:
[Both chanting: “They not like us, they not like us!”]
Best New Artist:
KK: YES! Nothing but yes. Chappell Roan is an amazing artist who deserves everything she’s gotten, and I hope she carries on in the role she’s had so far.
EJ: I’m partial to Doechii. Chappell was everything for a while, but Doechii has more staying power.
KK: True. I’m worried Chappell will come out with another album, it’ll be mediocre, and she’ll drop off the charts.
EJ: It’s not just that — Doechii is such a fun voice to have topping the charts. Her style is great, and it’s a reminder of rap as it was a decade or more ago. It’s amazing to have that energy hitting the charts again. Plus, she’s coming here!
KK: I’ll be honest: I’ve heard her so much on cringy Instagram reels that I don’t wanna listen to her anymore. I would have loved her music if it wasn’t for the fact that every time I hear it, I think of cringe TikToks.
Best Pop Solo Performance
KK: Sabrina Carpenter absolutely deserves this. She kills it in every single stage performance.
EJ: So she’s like the Justin Timberlake of the 2020s?
KK: Sabrina is for sure bringing sexy back. Do you remember that SNL ad with women saying things like “I haven’t had an orgasm since the last Justin Timberlake album”? Sabrina could 100 percent pull off a similar joke because she has that fun personality.
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
KK: Yeah, it had to be Gaga.
EJ: Bruno Mars is great, but Gaga is impossible to top. Easily my favorite performer ever.
Best Pop Vocal Performance
EJ: I’m shocked that Chappell didn’t sweep more of these awards.
KK: It makes sense, though. We both underestimated the staying power of Sabrina. I didn’t like her music that much at first, but she’s grown on me, and she just had more presence by the time the Grammys came around.
EJ: Chappell just isn’t as big of a presence it feels, which is weird considering how big “HOT TO GO!” was at its peak. I guess the Grammy voters just preferred the more traditional pop star.
KK: Like I said, Sabrina is bringing sexy back.
Best Dance/Electronic Album
KK: This had to be “brat.” It was brat summer. It’s my brat summer. It might be below freezing outside, but I’m still bumpin’ that.
Best Rock Performance
KK: As a massive Beatles fan, I had tears in my eyes as I heard it for the first time. I’m getting emotional right now. When you think about what was going on behind the scenes and all the struggle and drama that the record had to endure, it’s a testament to their skills and their art.
EJ: There’s a lot more in these Grammys, but we gotta call it. This has been an incredible year for music, and I think 2024 was blessed almost as much as 2023 was cursed.
KK: It’s the best year for music in a long time. We ate good.
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