We all know what day Friday is. I’m loath to add one more Valentine’s Day thinkpiece to the overwhelm of capitalism claims, dating discussions, and swoon-inducing soliloquies. Whether or not you believe in the Hallmark holiday is up to you, and my job isn’t to comment on that — God knows I haven’t fully made up my own cynical mind this year.
Instead, after much brainstorming, fantasizing, and perusing of Goodreads “romcom” shelves, I’ve decided I’m sick of modern dating and being stuck behind a screen (or, now, even a paywall). Down with Hinge! Bye-bye, Bumble! It’s time to bring back modern, “organic” meet-cutes. The following are unranked musings on tropes you likely won’t find in most romance novels. If you’re interested in me, don’t take this seriously. In fact, please refrain from taking this seriously at all.
- Showmances
Showmances — possibly car crashes waiting to happen. But strangely, I just can’t look away. I say this as a proud escapee of the high school theatre department affair (mostly). I have some friends who can only wish they were so lucky. Do you just like how they look in the tailor-made, well-lit costume? Do you still like how they look in their 9 a.m. statistics lecture? Some food for thought.
This isn’t to say I don’t understand. Acting is vulnerable — being onstage across from someone and expressing emotions that are as vulnerable in real life as they are within a story is difficult to do without some real-world manifestations. Like, really, set me up slow dancing with someone under heavy lights with orchestral backing, and I will fall in love. I’m a romantic in that way. Alas, the stage is not real life. And it’s far from my place to tell you what feelings to act on (or act FROM), but I will impart one nugget of observed wisdom from my years as a watcher from the wings — just wait until the show’s over, for all our sakes.
- Office romances
As remote work begins to fade into a dream of the past, and hybrid/fully in-person jobs return, it’s time for workplace romances to come back with them. According to recent data, adults in the U.S., from the ages of 20 to 50, spend four times as much time with coworkers as they do with friends. In 2024, Forbes even reported that 60 percent of adults have participated in at least one workplace tête-à-tête. Even though I’d love to avoid corporate doom, it feels inevitable that I’ll land in a nine-to-five for some indeterminate phase of my life, and I’m determined to make the most out of it. My soulmate might be that sexily competent emailer in HR.
There’s something so intimate about eye contact over the table of a meeting, or the brush of a hand as you pass a rare piece of paper back and forth over a desk! But I digress. Unfortunately for me and my 10-year Plan C, caution is key. Consider the consequences — the rumors, the fallout post-breakup, the weird power dynamics — and proceed carefully.
- Group exercise class romances
Not to be confused with Carnegie Mellon Group X. C’mon, guys. Cardio barre is serious business, not pleasure.
But seriously — set the scene. You’re in pilates, and you catch the eye of someone new over the edge of your mat. You smile. You watch their form. You sweat through your 45-minute session and eye them from across the room until there’s a water break and room to swoop in. After seeing each other in one of the hardest environments to be coherently social in, and one of the most vulnerable paid third spaces in modern social lives, how can you not fall in love?
If this fails, there’s always running club.
- Parasocial customers
I work retail during my winters and summers, and my cushy seasonal job holds a special place in my heart. For context, I work at a large chain shoe store — most of my clientele skews toward middle-aged suburban mothers, whom I greatly appreciate, but don’t envision as my soulmates. However, sometimes, I get a viable option in the checkout line, someone close enough to my age who smiles widely when I rattle off my rote “Hi, how are you? Find everything okay?” script.
You may think I’m about to say I daydream about slipping my phone number into their bags with the receipt — loud “incorrect” buzzer. Do not ask customer service workers out when they are nice to you. Do not flirt with the barista at your local coffee shop when they write a heart next to your name. Do not try to make innuendo in the aisles of Ikea when you can’t locate the Skärhamn door handle.
- CMU Missed Connections on Instagram
Has this ever worked? Please send me the evidence, simply for research purposes. Big data on this is coming soon.
As one of my fellow Tartan writers said last year, Hinge might be the second circle of hell. Dating app culture in general has rewired the way younger generations view dating and meeting people we’re interested in, and if there’s one takeaway from this piece, it’s that we shouldn’t let this happen. Let these tropes serve as a creative guide (or a deterrent) for you to have a more normal, well-adjusted romantic encounter or two this Valentine’s Day and this spring semester.
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