Happy Valentine’s weekend! Even though the theme of this column is love and relationships, I felt compelled to write something extra special for this week’s issue. Each year, I am inevitably asked, “Do you love or loathe Valentine’s Day?” But rather than writing something cliche about a holiday that none of us even remember the origins of, I wanted to address another common and controversial question that I hear a lot (and was asked recently by The Tartan’s own relationship poll): How long should you be in a relationship before you say “I love you”?
I, personally, am an advocate for subjectivity. I think of slices of pizza that I’ve taken one bite of and said, “I love this.” I recall friends who I spent copious amounts of time with before I thought, “I really love this person,” or activities I really hated at first and then came to adore, like coding and meditation. When I have had this conversation with others, the obvious response is that a slice of pizza is not nearly as serious as a person. Why not, I ask?
From the question, “When should I say, ‘I love you,’” it is easy to deduce that we have created some distance between the kind of love you feel for a partner and the kind you love pizza with. I think this serves an important purpose in allowing us to interact with the world around us by assessing things by their relative value.
I also think the line we draw in the sand is too deep. It implies that there is a specific moment in which we begin to truly love someone in whatever quantity is appropriate for a person, but not for pizza. With no directions other than “you’ll just know it when you feel it,” we are meant to deduce when this moment has occurred. And here comes the big catch — you’re not actually supposed to say “I love you” at this time. Because there is a second moment when you know that the other person also feels this way and enough time has passed that it becomes socially acceptable to be vulnerable.
The implications of this, to me, are super counterintuitive. Of course, nobody enjoys being humiliated, but if we are putting this much thought into exactly when and how to be honest with our partners, then how comfortable are we really with them? Do you really love someone who you don’t trust to not make you feel awful for saying something they don’t reciprocate?
This brings me back to subjectivity. I’d like to add a sidebar here about a practice called “radical love” that has been co-opted by a variety of spiritual and philosophical thinkers. Radical love promotes a sense of unconditional love for everyone — even strangers. I believe this radical love should be the basis for our interactions with everyone, from friends to romantic partners, but I also understand that’s a big jump for most people, and probably deserves its own article. So for now, I will stay within the framework of current socially accepted expectations for romantic relationships.
Having been in relationships lasting over a year, I can say that even once you say “I love you,” that love does not just remain static and feel the same for the rest of the relationship. The range is not quite pizza to person, but, in my experience, there is a kind of love you feel for someone you’ve been dating for a month, and it is different from the kind of love you feel for someone you’ve been with for more than six months. This is even distinct from what you might feel after a year, or after many years, or after a lifetime if that’s your thing. If your person does something you disagree with, you might experience fluctuations that are completely normal and an important part of understanding your own values.
I argue, then, that our line in the sand prevents us from recognizing this wonderful depth. When we ask, “When is the right time to say, ‘I love you,’” we make black and white of a situation that is all color. It is always the right time to be vulnerable, honest, and light. Let’s normalize, “You make me feel happier than this slice of pizza and I love you,” “We have been through so much together and I love you, but it’s okay with me if you don’t feel exactly the same,” “It’s been a few months and it’s really cool that we both love different qualities about each other,” and more. Let’s normalize being brave and trusting and accepting that all situations and relationships are unique. Let’s spread love instead of waiting for the right time to share it!
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