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Written Radio Mellon Institute/Carnegie Tech (WRMICT) Broadcast.
Good news! The beasts in and around the unexplored Great Crypt have been determined to be tame, hospitable, and edible. Do not worry about the beasts because they aren’t worried about you. Or us, for that matter.
I wish all my fellow students good morning.
Schatz has announced a new list of dining options that include “Strange Meats,” “Strange Vegetables (not vegetarian),” and “Strange Vegans.” Students are encouraged to expand their palates by trying these new foods, though we know how scary stepping out of your comfort zone is. The broadcast booth still has safety blankets in case we get scared. However, I tried the “Strange Vegans,” and it was excellent, though a bit gamey. If you’re interested, Schatz is open on request, and only during full moons.
In other great news, following Wean Hall’s growth spurt, they’ve secured the starting point guard position on the Carnegie Mellon Tartans Men’s Basketball team. They led the team to an incredible 153-0 win against the University of Chicago Maroons, after which the team changed their name to the “Muddy Reds.” This routing was mostly due to Wean Hall crushing the entire Chicago team under its weight during the first few seconds, earning two technicals, and being ejected. Wean Hall ends the game with 0 points, 0 assists, and 0 rebounds, with a +/- of 153 and the Player of the Game award.
Case Western has recently reported the theft of several students. They were apparently merely enjoying their free time before being accosted by an aggressive Scotty mascot. If you, or a loved one, received one of these liberated students, do not fret. We will not be returning them.
A helpful announcement for indecisive students: Do not. Thank you. We hope you are well.
The Carnegie Mellon Secret Police (but not that secret) have announced the arrest and capture of nearly 16 members of the Carnegie Society of Clandestine Greater Crypt Exploration. The students were accused of thinking about exploring Greater Crypts and were thus put up for adoption. If any other college is interested in taking them, please speak to our producer at evj@andrew.cmu.edu. The Carnegie Mellon Secret Police have been dedicating their entire resources to these hooligans. The inconvenient timing of many other campus crimes did not deter our boys in blue from saving us.
A storm is set to hit Carnegie next week, consisting entirely of frogs, beetles, and otters. The storm started in Florida, took a lazy vacation near Myrtle Beach, swung around Raleigh before hopping on a flight up north, and has plans to lay waste to the upper west and lower east sides of Pittsburgh before moving on to terrorizing the good people of Philadelphia. Several people have suggested evacuations but those people are cowards who refuse to take a single risk in their lives. We at WRMICT recommend you stand directly in the way of the storm to establish some level of dominance. Frogs are known for breaking under pressure. Do not break first.
The Hunan Man wants all of his supporters to know not to vote for him in the upcoming student senate elections. While he is an eligible candidate, he completed 16 terms back between 1924 and 1930 and does not wish to return to work. Should you feel so inclined to bubble in a vote, we’d recommend many other, similar, options, such as not voting, burning your ballot, or nominating the Tepper Dragon for Director of Operations. Both of these are perfectly acceptable, though not voting is not. Please vote.
And now, for a weather report: The Eagles beat the Pigeons 1-0 in the most recent game.
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And now, for a better report: I lost all my money.
And now, for a better report: I won it all back!
El Gallo De Oro has demanded better quality containers for all the food it works two jobs to put on the table. The eatery has determined that the quality of the containers is far below its standards after several students realized last Monday’s food was eating through the boxes and leaking onto the floor. While several floor tiles needed to be replaced due to damage from the food, Gallo maintains the issue is the containers’ fault and not the food itself. We would agree, but our taste tester is currently out with The Flu and we wouldn’t want to interrupt his date.
A quick PSA. Tanks are subject to the same rules in the dismount zones as all other vehicles. Get off and push the tank. Everyone else is doing it, why aren’t you?
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