DENIAL, Penn. — I’ve made a grave error in my judgment. I had planned the parade. America’s team (specifically for people from Pittsburgh) had booted Canada, a perfect metaphor for hope and patriotism. The problem is I now have no hope the Steelers can even beat the Patriots who are frontrunners in the Caleb Williams sweepstakes. Let’s rewind.
Two weeks ago, the Steelers finally listened to the violent riots happening on Twitter and fired Matt Canada, the supposed problem with their putrid offense. With all the high-end talent and weapons Pickett had at his disposal, he could rarely make it to a single first down. Was it because of Kenny’s own talent or was it because he was forced at gridiron gunpoint to execute the dumbest plays known to man…ada? Bad pun, I know but still, Matt Canada’s offensive schemes were objectively terrible. No offense to him… there was no offense. He was insanely predictable, he was insanely stubborn, and he was just insane. Why the hell is Kenny always throwing the ball behind the line of scrimmage on 3rd & 10s? It was asinine and with the growing streak of terrible offense having no 400-yard games in over 3 entire years, something had to give, but the bullshit known as “the Steeler way” was likely never going to let that happen. Then came a miracle.
Even with the 6-4 record, a great outcome given such terrible offense, change had to come and with the announcement that Matt Canada was finally gone came enormous applause and excitement. Finally, someone with a working cranium could operate the offense. Against a struggling Bengals team with all their hopes sitting on the sideline, it was bound to be magical and despite only putting up 16 points, it sure was magic for a dear Yinzer. In less than a week without Canada, the Steelers put up that elusive 400 yard game. Kenny Pickett was finally throwing down the middle. He was finally throwing deep balls every which way. Both running backs were hitting their stride. Everything worked in incredible fashion… sort of. Despite the highs of viewing watchable offense after so long, there was a huge concern lying right there on the scoreboard. 16 points. 16 points on 400 yards is absolutely atrocious. Even when the Steelers could finally rumble all the way to the end zone, they still couldn’t score. Since Thanksgiving, teams with 400 total yards (12, including Pittsburgh) scored an average of 32.5 points. Do you see the problem here?
The next game up was against the Arizona Cardinals, a team that could’ve been mistaken for a tax write-off. The Steelers just put up a statement game with all the hope in the world, this was the chance to really put up some statement scores. The Cardinals’ offense with Kyler Murray back in the lineup actually had lots of weapons including Pittsburgh’s own James Conner and up-and-coming criminally underrated tight end, Trey McBride, alongside some solid receivers. The problem was their offensive line and defense were more cooked than a steak so well done, you could call it a “fantastic job!” And yet, here we are, back to our three and outs of old. This game got delayed for over two hours because of some Pittsburgh rain. I’ve seen games played in 2 inches of snow but, no, a little downpour had to prolong this grueling experience. I mean, wow. Everything everywhere went so wrong all at once, Chris Boswell missed a field goal. That’s a sign of the end times right there. At least whenever the game gets delayed for two hours, no one expects those two hours to be full of football, but whenever the Steelers have the ball I sure do expect some damn football and this felt like we were back in the land of Canada. Even with the edge rushers torching the Cardinals’ offensive line, Conner (happy for him, he’s Pittsburgh for life) ran all over us and the defense just didn’t make their usual big plays so it all culminated in a typical loss for most teams, but a steel beam through the heart for us Yinzers.
Now with Kenny injured, we will all be subjected to gridiron torture as we play a team that has put up, no joke, 13 total points in their last three games. They are the only abomination worse than a Matt Canada offense. The problem is, if I was a betting man, the final score will be 3-0 and unfortunately I don’t have any faith that those points will come from a Steeler field goal. These past couple weeks have been a season-killing sequence of events for the Steelers and, boy oh boy, we sure deserve it.
Post Steelers Game Edit: Kill me.
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