By Haley Williams
Have you ever wondered which of the terrifying human mascots of the National Football League would win in a fight to the death? You’ve come to the right place, dear reader! Here’s how I think these unsettling abominations would stack up if forced to brawl each other in Hunger Games-style deathmatch:
First to go: Raider Rusher of the Las Vegas Raiders. He’s just a massive head with tiny arms and legs, which makes him susceptible to toppling over and rolling away. The others promptly roll him over and stake his spikes into the ground, leaving him upside down to perish of an aneurysm from all of his blood pooling in his massive brain.
Middle of the pack (in order of demise): Sourdough Sam of the San Francisco 49ers, Captain Fear of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Rowdy of the Dallas Cowboys, and Pat Patriot of the New England Patriots. Sourdough Sam rushed out to California in ‘49, but he hasn’t had much luck finding gold in those hills, leaving him with tight funds and a need to work way too many hours. His undernourished and exhausted body would be no match against Rowdy’s Whataburger fueled, highly trained muscles. Captain Fear starts out strong, even managing to land a few blows on Steely McBeam of the Pittsburgh Steelers, but ultimately plummets to his death after his land legs fail to come through for him. Remember kids: scurvy makes you lose the deathmatch. Have an orange! Before Rowdy and Pat Patriot can move on from the fray and hunt down their remaining competitors, they fall victim to an ambush by Steely McBeam and Viktor of the Minnesota Vikings, who have formed a temporary alliance.
The final faceoff: Steely McBeam vs. Viktor. Having cleared out the rest of the pack, all alliances are off. Viktor lets out a battle cry, confident in his battle-hardened skills and stoicism. Steely adjusts the grip on his I-beam, preparing for the worst. The powerhouses rush at one another, and Steely takes a swing — which entirely misses Viktor, and throws Steely off of his rhythm. Viktor, emboldened by his swift dodge, gracefully turns and snatches McBeam. Viktor lifts the Steeler above his head and pile drives him into the dirt, ending Steely McBeam once and for all. Viktor will see Valhalla someday, but not today.
The victor: Viktor, Minnesota Vikings.
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