By Alex Lewis
Football fans are insufferable. I’m realizing how much I miss when hating involved facts and logic. Manchildren who hate on Eras Tour dresses while showing pride with idiotic face paint and Walmart mascot outfits spew the most painfully poorly thought out narratives they took from somebody else until they watch one second of football and latch onto a whole different one the very next day. Now that we have two teams no self-respecting football fan wanted to see in February, my feeds have been flooded with atrocious take after atrocious take to the point where hearing how much of a buzzkill this season has become has become a buzzkill in itself. Let’s set some records straight, particularly about the new evil empire arising from Kansas City.
For the first time ever, the Chiefs are underdogs. This was far and away the worst Chiefs offense in the Mahomes era, mostly stemming from the man himself. Sure, his receivers had broken refrigerators for hands, Kadarius Toney had Kadarius Toney’s hands for hands, and even with Swiftie superpowers, Travis Kelce couldn’t break through the onslaught of double teams every team hit him with. The Chiefs’ elite defense this year had to bail out the lowest points of Mahomes’ career. Roadblocks like Zach Wilson or two pick sixes against the Raiders of all things would send them to an 11-6 record even though a tougher end-of-season schedule would’ve likely put them at 9-8.
The Chiefs had zero business coming this far. I hate seeing a new Brady come to fruition. Not just because Mahomes exposed himself as a whiny Kermit-impersonating sore loser, but because I like parity and it hurts to admit that even when it feels like a fluke, he just keeps winning. He didn’t show it this season, but the truth is, he’s already proven his unbelievable talent and he has fully earned his place as the NFL’s golden boy. Even in his worst performances, he must have the magical power of making every other team choke harder than a baby eating Play-Doh, because the Dolphins, Bills, and Ravens all had zero excuse to flounder on the field the way they all did.
The Dolphins, the fraud to end all frauds, couldn’t beat a team over 9-8 or in a stadium under 98 degrees either. As for the Bills, Tyler Bass might just be the unluckiest man of the season. Whether or not he shanked the ball wide right, the Bills full on choked with ineffective offense, game-altering drops, boneheaded trick plays, and Josh Allen hero ball when it was least needed. Bass just had to sit and be the face of it. The Bills were even on the winning end of the most hilarious rule in the NFL, the end zone touchback, and STILL blew it. No matter how many Bills fans throw themselves on burning tables or in sacrificial construction pits, their team just cannot finish the job and this time, it’s not because of a supposed curse. The Bills just did it to themselves.
On to Baltimore, even with some questionable refball at play, the Ravens put together one of the worst game plans ever in a Conference Final and somehow full-on fell apart at the worst time every single time they could. The best rushing team in the NFL ran… 6 rushing plays? Their dual-threat QB known for escaping pockets and efficient passing when needed dropped back… 80 percent of the time? Their best receiver dove into the end zone… and fumbled… and punched the bench so hard his hand bled all after one of the most moronic taunting penalties I’ve ever seen? Their best tight end called himself open… in triple coverage… leading to a second Ravens end zone turnover? Lamar Jackson played his worst game of the season, but acting like he didn’t get inconvenienced by a downright awful system that went against every single principle that was winning them so many games before is wrong.
Sometimes, teams don’t win, they just watch their opponents lay down and die, and at the end of the day, the Chiefs never got eliminated and they shouldn’t be criticized for how poorly every other team played. Luck is a part of skill and if you’re so skillful as to get every team who lines up against you to fall apart, who is anyone to use that against you? So if you want to hate Mahomes… point out he was one of the least impressive parts of the Chiefs machine.
The lights got bright and Playoff Kelce came to life playing his 3 best games of the season all in a row in front of his billionaire sweetheart. Rashee Rice has become the only reliable pair of hands on the squad. Isiah Pacheco runs like the grass owes him money. He might not be the best running back left, but he’s for sure the most electric. With all that said, the Chiefs defense has been lights out. They’ve looked fantastic and honestly, the Chiefs wouldn’t have won a single thing without them. Their entire defensive line has been vicious and crushed every single QB who dares step back into a pocket and L’Jarius Sneed has been, without a doubt, the best cornerback, if not defensive player, of the playoffs.
Even Taylor Swift has played better than Mahomes. Someone has to convince people to like the Chiefs and it for sure isn’t the quarterback. I think “Midnights” is mid and “reputation” is a stain on her reputation just like anybody, but why are we acting like she’s been the diva here? I don’t recall T-Swizzle telling Josh Allen he didn’t deserve the win after a Chiefs receiver was offside in a different time zone. If you want to hate her for anything, it should be that she should not be above the law of sports fandom. She should have to wait her turn like the rest of us. Why couldn’t she date someone on the Carolina Panthers? There are plenty of fine men on the Browns (minus that one guy). Why couldn’t she pick someone on a team who’s idea of a fun Sunday is watching a slightly less bad blowout? Mason Rudolph’s probably a wonderful guy. I’d personally love having that power couple supporting the Steelers since watching this soul-sucking team feels like a breakup every game. We’d get some great music, I’m just saying.
Anyway… Brock Purdy, if you can hear us, please save us. Please save us, Brock Purdy.
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