Foul Play: The NFL is definitely rigged

By Eshaan Joshi

Editor’s note: Eshaan called in sick this week based on Super Bowl-related grief. We trained an AI model on his thoughts and this is what it spit out. He may be fired if this article is any good. (Just kidding.)

Okay, that’s it. I’m calling it, the NFL is rigged, Taytay is part of Joe Biden’s master plan to take over the world, the Deep State roots for the Chiefs, it’s all over, the West has fallen, billions must die.

I’m not overreacting, you’re overreacting. What’s wrong with you, don’t you see how bad it is?

The Kansas City Chiefs of Kansas City, Missouri, are now back to back Super Bowl Winners. It’s disgusting, it’s despicable, it’s an act so heinous and debaucherous I have been calling my senators to try to reverse it.

I’m also lobbying to have Kyle “Choker” Shanahan classified as a football terrorist by the State Department, because if I have to watch him somehow give up one more lead in a Super Bowl against the Big Bad of the NFL, I’m going to lose my mind. Seriously? THREE TIMES. 28-3, the 2020 Super Bowl, and now this.

God, I hate football. Why do I do this to myself? The Giants ain’t gonna win anything for the foreseeable future and the Steelers have flirted with mediocrity so long it’s a wonder they haven’t proposed and built a happy marriage yet. There’s no point to this sport anymore. Shut it down, I’m watching soccer now.

First off, Kyle, I love you but run the damn ball. Run the damn ball. Why didn’t you run it? Second down in Chiefs territory with minutes left on the clock and you THROW IT? You throw an INCOMPLETION after SCRAMBLING? Do you know how to USE your ALL PRO running backs you spent MILLIONS on?

If you burned a minute off that clock you would have won that game. God, can the 49ers stop trying to get cute when all it does is hurt literally everyone else in the sport? Because apparently nobody can stop Patrick “Satan himself” Mahomes from waltzing down the field in a minute and change and scoring.

Run the ball. Waste time. Run the ball. Waste time. This is peewee stuff, they’ve been doing this since Pop Warner. There’s a reason RBs exist and it isn’t just to sit there and look pretty, even if Jamaal Williams can do that real well.

Beyond that, genuinely stop trying to get cute when you play the Chiefs. Offensive mind, whatever. But Shanahan, if you want to make something happen, you have to play good football. I know there were terrible fumbles and a whole lotta bad luck when it came to that game but you didn’t help yourself by turning so many drives into field goals. You have a RB who can consistently go four, five yards, and you just kept throwing it. Why? Why didn’t you go for a Hail Mary at the half? Why didn’t you try to play more aggressively in overtime? Why didn’t you KNOW the overtime rules?

Shanahan is damn good at football. I cannot deny this, he’s made a lot of incredible teams in recent years but he’s just such a choker, and this was the final proof. Terrible play calling in the second half, prevent defense for no apparent reason, and now Patty has three. I swear to god if he gets the three-peat…