(Disclaimer: We are both over 21 years of age.)
56.71 hours worth of content. For our last spring break, we went all out. Starting with the Oscars and breaking for intermittent episodes of “The Punisher” and “Severance,” your favorite Tartan Movie Bingers watched 18 movies total. Nearly every movie was accompanied by a drinking game, but we promise we were being responsible.
“The Substance” (2024)
Haley: Lowkey not as gnarly as I thought it was gonna be, but baller body horror nonetheless.
Lora: Spent too long thinking too deeply about my relationship with womanhood and had a week-long stress-induced stomach ache.
“Pride and Prejudice” (2005)
H: This movie has bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love it.
L: MISTER WICKAKFJDHLJKSHFJAM.
“World War Z” (2013)
H: Lora warned me that there would be a moment that I hated and they were right. WHAT WAS IN THAT VIAL???
L: I love injecting myself with random things at a WHO lab.
“Rango” (2011)
H: This is such a delightfully ridiculous movie. Rango is literally him.
L: Definition of fake it till you make it. Also, we need more men like Rango — ridiculous, fun, and ultimately a lover boy.
“The Terminator” (1984)
H: I don’t know why I’m always surprised when I watch highly acclaimed movies and then they’re good.
L: I was so worried about the integrity of the timeline — but they do an amazing job at keeping you guessing and theorizing. Certified classic for a reason!
“Kung Fu Panda” (2008)
H: MUSIC BY HANZ ZIMMER AND JOHN POWELL??? DREAM TEAM.
L: I got way too existential about the Placebo effect. 20/10 movie.
“Conclave” (2024)
H: Just as good the fourth time through as the first!
L: ¡Dios mío dios mío! ¿Por qué me has abandonado? (Robbed at the Oscars. Ralph Fiennes, you deserve everything.)
“Run Lola Run” (1998)
H: First time she died I was like, “Damn, that was a short movie.”
L: I first watched this with my father — this movie is so iconic and makes me feel at home. I wish all movies would push limits and be goofy while still getting across a well thought-out story like this one.
“Ladybird” (2017)
H: I hated every second of this (excellently done) movie. So so good; so, so bad.
L: So many canon events happen to Ladybird and it’s extremely unfortunate. A great peek into what a fraught mother-daughter relationship can be like when you start to grow up and make your own choices.
“The Devil Wears Prada” (2006)
H: I love every single thing about this movie except for the repeated joke about size six being fat.
L: This is one of those movies that makes me feel so justified in being anti-men. Why are early 2000s movie boyfriends like that? This is a PSA: Never let your partner make you feel small or make you dim your light.
“The Talented Mr. Ripley” (1999)
H: Tom is SUCH a little freak.
L: I kept saying this was 1990s “Saltburn,” but really “Saltburn” is just the 2007 version of this. (Jude Law plays so many gay boys it’s crazy.)
“Bound” (1996)*
H: LESBIAN HEIST DRAMA HELL YEAH.
L: I was indeed hot and bothered during this movie. Proof women are smarter than men and can get away with anything just by being hot.
“Hairspray” (2007)
H: This movie is so full of self-love in every single form, it’s impossible not to smile at.
L: Despite John Travolta’s de facto fat suit, I can tell he had so much fun in this movie. And WOW, I loved this SOOOO much.
“The Blair Witch Project” (1999)
H: I love this movie because it gave me the ability to say, “I’m Blair Witching it up in the corner.”
L: At the first sight of the rock formations outside the tent, I would have given up and let the forces of nature take me.
“The Iron Claw” (2023)
H: Can you believe they actually made this story less sad for the movie?
L: God. Who let this dad be alive and stay alive and keep doing this over and over again.
“She’s the Man” (2006)
H: “Twelfth Night” for jocks!
L: I think Olivia was actually a closet lesbian, but maybe that’s just my lesbian agenda showing.
“Varsity Blues” (1999)
H: Absolute masterpiece. West Canaan understands the epic highs and lows of high school football.
L: This movie ROCKED. So silly. So cute. Billy Bob my beloved.
“Mickey 17” (2025)
H: Bong Joon Ho does not do subtlety and I love him for that.
L: Was a bit distracted by the dictator satire, but, holy god, the creepers were so cute.
TV SHOW INTERLUDE
“Severance” (2022 to present)
H: I think I might have bruises on my leg from Lora grabbing me so hard during this, despite the fact that they’ve already seen it.
L: If “The Good Place” was about the torture of the capitalistic workforce, featuring a weird cult, dissonant piano, and so many Emmy-deserving acting performances.
“The Punisher” (2017-2019); Season 1
H: Every single time Frank is bloody on screen I have to take deep, calming breaths. I literally finished this season the first time and then restarted it with Lora like two days later.
L: NEED Madani in my life please.
Wanna get the true movie-enjoying experience? Make this drink.
The Blood of Christ:
Ingredients:
- Lemon lime soda
- Grenadine
- Vodka
- Sweet red wine (the cheaper the better)
Optional, for vibes:
- Cross shaped ice cubes made from cranberry juice
- Goblets (so you get the real Blood of Christ, shed for you experience)
There are no measurements for this recipe — you just have to let the Holy Spirit move through you and guide your pours. Add as much grenadine as you like to your lemon lime soda, add a shot of vodka, and then top it off with red wine. Add as many red cross ice cubes as you can fit and enjoy!
Leave a Reply