Opening day is almost here and I am the happiest boy in the world. I have been thinking about baseball, I have been dreaming about baseball, I have been eating and drinking and sleeping baseball, I have become obsessed with baseball to the point where there is a demon haunting my dreams and that demon is Mr. Met.
“It’s about the Mets baby love the Mets alright baby let’s go get a home run baby love the Mets let’s go Mets” I shout, clad in a straightjacket, crying and sobbing as Steve Cohen spends another 400 million dollars only to lose yet another important game and end in a pit of chaos.
So, yeah, I’m very normal about baseball today.
Anyway, opening day will have happened by the time I write about The Tartan next, and I don’t want to wait that long, so here is my report about opening day. It’s for anybody who’s interested in baseball, so I plan on making it sorta like an mad-lib. That way, you, too, can enjoy this soul-crushing sport.
I can’t believe [insulting nickname for my least favorite team] played [synonym for poorly]!!! Those [derogatory term] shouldn’t be able to insult this sport by playing like that, but, who knows, it seems like their fans just love pain. My team, on the other hand, played like the second coming of Babe Ruth crossed with the second coming of Jesus H. Baseball Swinging Christ. He might rise on the third day, or steal third base, you can’t tell. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing the season that is gonna get my team a [pitiful excuse for a trophy because we both know ain’t no way your team is winning the World Series]. Also, my least favorite team should [be creative with this one].
Hopefully, you can cut that out and put it on your fridge with a little baseball themed magnet (which I assume you have) and think about it during the season.
What I’m really excited for at this point is seeing the new players who have shuffled around. The Yankees are now down one Soto, the Dodgers have a pretty incredible billion-dollar roster, and the Mets now have Juan Soto in left field and I know that team is about to break NYC’s hearts again this year.
However, there’s still a decent amount of things to be scared about. The Chicago White Sox lost over 100 games last year, a result which stumped fans across the country. This wasn’t just a bad team, this was a really, really bad team, and this was a team that was so bad that it was almost historical. The Chicago White Sox will go down in history as one of the worst teams in modern MLB history, and that’s just a testament to how much God hates Chicago.
Defending World Champs Dodgers on the other hand might be looking at another record setting year in the books, with Shohei Ohtani, Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman, I’m going to stop naming them now but also Will Smith, Yoshinobu Yamamoto, and I’m gonna stop for real this time wait nope I lied they also have Walker Buehler.
The point is this is a stacked team that has way too much money representing a city with way too much money and a chip on their shoulder. Teams have a tendency of representing their city’s hardships, and with the fires in the Palisades, I hope the Dodgers can win one for the people of LA.
Feels gross saying I like the Dodgers, but what the heck.
Finally, there’s a big question mark for me around Mike Trout. Fish man is one of the greatest players of his generation, saddled with a miserable team known only as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or whatever Arte Moreno wants to call them this year. He’s been struggling to stay healthy, having played less than a full season in most recent years, something that has seriously hurt his stats. The guys a monster when he’s on the field, but it’s really hard to put up 10 WAR (Wins Above Replacement) seasons when you’re only playing the game half the time. He’s still great, and, dear God, I hope the Angels give him a shot at a playoff game, because otherwise I think Mike Trout might be one of the greatest tragedies of this sport.
Go watch some baseball. It’ll be fun.
Timeline of stock/company history:
using multiple sources: SEC, EDGAR
Opening day of Major League Baseball is almost here. What I’m really excited for at this point is seeing the new players who have shuffled around. The Yankees are now down one Soto, the Dodgers have an incredible billion dollar roster, and the Mets now have Juan Soto in left field. I know that team is about to break NYC’s hearts again this year.
However, there’s still a decent amount of things to be scared about. The Chicago White Sox lost over a 100 games last year, a result which stumped fans across the country. This wasn’t just a bad team, this was a really, really bad team. This was a team that was so bad that it was almost historical. The Chicago White Sox will go down in history as one of the worst teams in modern MLB history.
The defending World Series champion Los Angeles Dodgers, on the other hand, might be looking at another record-setting year in the books, with Shohei Ohtani, Mookie Betts, and Freddie Freeman primarily, but also Will Smith, Yoshinobu Yamamoto, and Walker Buehler.
This is a stacked team that has way too much money representing a city with way too much money and a chip on its shoulder. Teams have a tendency of representing their city’s hardships, and with the fires in the Palisades, I hope the Dodgers can win one for the people of L.A.
It feels gross saying that I like the Dodgers, but what the heck.
Finally, there’s a big question mark for me around Mike Trout. Trout is one of the greatest players of his generation, saddled with a miserable team known only as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or whatever Arte Moreno wants to call them this year. He’s been struggling to stay healthy, having played less than a full season in most recent years, something that has seriously hurt his stats. The guy is a monster when he’s on the field, but it’s hard to put up 10 WAR (Wins Above Replacement) seasons when you’re only playing the game half the time. He’s still great, and I hope the Angels give him a shot at a playoff game, because otherwise I think Mike Trout might be one of the greatest tragedies of this sport.
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