BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Written Radio Mellon Institute/Carnegie Tech (WRMICT) Broadcast
Foul news! There’s something afoot in the Tartan office! A great beast, the Sphinx of Truth, has taken residence in the Editor-in-Chief’s office and is demanding sacrifices. It has been relatively difficult to procure said sacrifices, as the Sphinx has not been very clear what it wants. Snopes fact-checking has been called in to verify, but it has lost a duel against the Sphinx when it managed to accurately explain who really landed on the Moon in 1969. Our puny human minds remain beaten.
I wish all of my fellow students good morning.
In other news, students are continuing to spread rumors and misinformation amongst themselves about a great celebration known only as Carnival. We here at the WRMICT Information Department would like to quell any concerns about the existence of this holiday. We could never endorse a day of such revelry and idiocy, though we do offer fake IDs to anyone legally able to drink.
The “Strange Meats” section of Schatz has recently announced its intention to run for Pittsburgh Mayor. The section is currently polling a nearly 12-point lead against Corey O’Connor and a nearly three-and-a-quarter-point lead against current Mayor Ed Gainey. I’m not sure how “Strange Meats” has gained such an orthogonal lead, but it’s very impressive for a newcomer to the political scene. We here would like to announce our endorsement, because we’re pretty sure they’d kill us if we didn’t.
Our hated rivals at Case Western have proven themselves to be a load of fools and incompetents when it was discovered that their college administrators refused a merger with Carnegie Mellon back in 1967. The two-hour commute from various lectures would only be marginally longer than the current walk most biological science majors make to Mellon Institute, home of the world-famous Mellon Monkeys.
Arbiter of that which is Right and Wrong, Farnam Jahanian, has announced several food-related emergencies occurring at Schatz. Some of the food got up and walked away in a bit of a huff after being prodded by a fork. If you see a plate with some mashed potatoes, Strange Meat, and a single boiled egg, please hunt it down. That’s mine and I haven’t eaten since Friday.
There is a tornado warning exclusive to the top of Hamershlag tower, near the WRCT radio broadcast equipment. We are concerned for the hardworking and steadfast engineering team at WRCT, and we wish them the best in wrangling this tornado, ideally in the body of Glen Powell.
A short piece of advice for students who may or may not know what they want to do today: The weather is miserable, it is snowing significantly, and the experience outside is negative. Stay indoors.
The Sphinx of Truth has been unhappy recently due to the number of lies spread by various students. No, he does not “love you,” the Sphinx Reports, he’s just trying to use you as a sacrifice. The Sphinx also wants to sacrifice you, but at least the Sphinx is honest about it.
The Hunan man was elected to the Student Senate! We congratulate him and hope our many years of bribes and kickbacks will finally come to fruition.
A quick public service announcement:
It appears that the quick public service announcement was too quick for this week, and has been lost by its handlers. We apologize for this inconvenience and would like to offer a slow public service announcement in replacement. We are aware we’re coming to the end of the show, so I hope that we can avoid getting cut off. In case we do, goodbye! Farewell! Adieu!
A.
Slow.
Public.
Service.
END TRANSCRIPT
Leave a Reply