On March 19, 2025, a letter was sent to Carnegie Mellon president Farnham Jahanian by the United State House of Representatives select committee on the Chinese Communist Party (CPP). In the letter, Representative and committee Chair John Moolenaar (R-MI) urges Jahanian to divulge information about Chinese nationals studying at Carnegie Mellon, as well as a breakdown of their departmental affiliation, sources of research funding, and occupational outcomes.
“Too many U.S. universities continue to prioritize financial incentives over the education of American students, domestic workforce development[,] and national security. They do so by admitting large numbers of Chinese nationals into advanced STEM programs, potentially at the expense of qualified Americans,” reads the letter’s introduction. “As China aggressively pursues dominance in strategic industries, the unchecked enrollment of Chinese nationals in American institutions risks facilitating the technological transfers that strengthen Beijing’s military and economic competitiveness at our nation’s expense.”
Representative Moolenaar then goes on to request information about the presence of Chinese nationals at the school, and whether the university has in place “monitoring mechanisms” to “track foreign students’ participation in research with military or dual-use applications.”
“Moreover”, the letter continues, “it is in the interests of the American government that advanced technological capabilities not be allowed to develop in Ohio either, on account of their general lack of trustworthiness.”
The letter explains that “Columbus has been aggressively pursuing anti-Pennsylvanian policies that threaten the balance of power between the states. It is imperative that our national security policy not ignore the very real danger posed by Ohioan possession of advanced technologies like quantum computing, semiconductors, and AI.”
In response, the university has chosen to comply with these requests, and to share with Congress the personal information of over 3,000 Chinese-American college students, as well as 200 Ohio-American students.
The letter also requests information about international students from St. Kitts and Nevis, “though admittedly, this is only to track one particularly skilled robotics engineer.” The letter claims that St. Kitts and Nevis, a Caribbean nation with a population less than 50,000, is “not currently a threat to United States military hegemony in North America, but it would be really embarrassing if this guy is the reason they become one.”
Nathaniel “Nasty-Nate” Hemsworth, the Natrat’s point-of-contact with President Farnham’s office, commented on behalf of Jahanian:
“Of course this was a difficult choice for us, but we believe it is in the interests of national security that we prevent the drainage of our brains into somewhere that isn’t here, for instance, Cleveland.” He added, “plus, have you ever gotten a letter from Congress? It’s scary as hell, man. I’m not tryna get sniped defending the right of some ECE kids to injure themselves with homework or whatever. Nuh-uh. Nasty Nate wanna live.” He added, “Stiller nation, fuck the Browns.”
Major-General Jeb Smegsworth, Carnegie Mellon’s “compliance liaison” with the Defense Intelligence Agency, explained the importance of this new policy. “I know it might not be popular, but we need to track people in order to protect sensitive information, like the answers to this week’s 15-112 homework… It is imperative that we ensure no Buckeye brings a morsel of knowledge back to their dirty, wretched motherland.”
Raymond “R-money” Zheng is a junior studying information systems in Dietrich College, and a mole for Xi Jinping. “I can’t believe they figured it out,” he said. “I thought we had the Americans in a corner, but it turns out you guys were one step ahead of the times.” Raymond, along with the other Chinese and Ohioan students who deigned to learn calculus from American lips, are having their memories wiped to prevent the development of language-learning mobile apps in their homeland. “Glory to Xi!”, said Raymond, unprompted.
The students from Ohio are to be deported on or before April 1, 2025. This is expected to have devastating effects on Carnegie Mellon’s defensive line during the 2025 football season. Columbus has announced the mobilization of the Buckeye Army to the Pennsylvania border, in preparation of an “all out war with the Keystone bastards,” according to internal communications leaked yesterday.
May Carnegie have mercy on us all.
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