We hear it all the time: “Ugh, did you hear what she did to Charlotte?” “He’s such a manipulator. I’ll never forgive him for what he did to me.” “We’re on no contact.” No contact? What does that even mean? My word processor is desperately trying to correct the abysmal grammar of that Gen-Z sentence.
It’s a fact that relationships are hard and complicated, and that hurt and harm are common parts of the experience of getting close to another human being. Everyone is different and sometimes we clash. Sometimes we do things in our own self-interest without considering the feelings of others. Sometimes we get stressed or drunk and say or do things we didn’t mean to. It sucks, but it’s true.
Currently, though, we’ve normalized characterizing people who have wronged us by their wrongdoings. If social media is any indicator, I have observed that it is very common for people to hold grudges for a long time, and to even commit to not speaking to someone for a long time to prove their grudge. This seems to be especially common in romantic relationships, where the stakes feel higher because of increased intimacy and vulnerability. We are very aware of being alive in a time of cancel culture, which exists on the basis of very different wrongdoings than those I am referring to, but nonetheless represents our commitment to labelling people based on their negative actions. I think it represents our commitment to being angry. Everyone is so angry.
I understand the evolutionary and social necessity of anger. From my understanding, anger is a response to a violation of our core needs or values. In cave times, this meant we were defensive of our food and water, which ultimately helped us survive. But as with most things from cave times, parts of the Constitution, and daylight savings time, not all tools need be applied to life in 2025. Sure, your boyfriend was still on Tinder while you were dating. You can and should feel anger about that. It violates your need for love and loyalty (probably related to reproductive drive but we don’t need to go there). But do you need to be mad about it for the next 10 years? Do you need to spread that anger to other people so that they feel anger toward your presumably now-ex-boyfriend as well? That is probably taking up a lot of energy that you could be using for other things, and, unlike berries foraged from the woods, love is abundant and can be found in other places.
Socially, though, how do we operate without being able to keep track of the right and wrong? We like to know things about people before we interact with them so that we know what to expect, so we ask friends to tell us what they know. We like to be in relationships where we feel safe and happy, so we keep track of whether the other person in the relationship is treating us in accordance with our needs. Having and storing value judgements on actions and people helps us stay on track and make sense of the world around us.
But I, much like the Buddha (read with irony), am averse to value judgements. I believe that enlightenment and spiritual maturity arise when we free ourselves from positive and negative attachments to people and things. To be clear, I have a lot of attachments. I also have some amount of anger and have held onto resentment for various people for longer than I wanted to. I love Fiona Apple, so that should give you a little hint as to what my brain is like. But recently I have wondered: Is there a way to hold people accountable for hurt without anger?
The answer, unfortunately, is that I have no idea. But I want to try. I think that if we love someone, we should say, “I love you for who you are, even as I anticipate and understand that you may not always act in accordance with my needs.” I think we should also say to this person, “If you violate my needs to such an extent that I no longer feel safe being in a relationship with you, I will change the terms of our relationship to fit my needs, even if that means ending it. I will not punish you in any other way, but I will hold you accountable by doing what makes me feel comfortable. If anyone asks, I will tell them the truth about what happened and that is all.” Ok, so maybe I do have an idea. Essentially, I think it is good and fair and admirable to use anger to help yourself make your life safe and happy, but not to force change on other people. That stuff is just for you.
This is just one potential answer to my question, I think. This can be labeled as ongoing research. If you have input, email me at acappell@andrew.cmu.edu — I would love to hear your thoughts and assemble more data!
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